Tonight I Gotta Cut Loose...

Tonight was a trip down memory lane. Whoever said that you can't go home again may have had a point.

Tonight I went home to my old high school to see a show-the BHS All School Musical.

It was one of those bittersweet moments.

I went last year and may have even blogged about it. But, this year, they did Footloose. It was Dianna's favorite. For those of you who don't know, Dianna is my best friend and she passed away last year.

The auditorium is the same. Only the name has been changed. The seats are much nicer and there is air conditioning and real light and sound systems now instead of a guy working with primitive equipment that you wouldn't go near for fear of being electrocuted and one in the balcony working the follow spot.

But, the stage is the same. The walls behind the stage are the same too.

Somewhere, under thirty years of paint, is my name on those walls behind that stage I stood on so many times.

And her name is there too. My best friend. The one who got me through those years. My Dianna.

The first time we signed our names we were in seventh grade. We were so young and innocent and naive. I can't help but wonder if they still carry on that tradition of marking up the walls back stage.

As I entered, it wasn't as much of a shock as it was last year when I went to see Bye Bye, Birdie. Thirty years ago, the seats were wood and the walls were blue. Now the seats are plush and the walls a creamy white with the accents around the stage etched in gold. The curtain was nondescript...maybe blue...maybe brown. Now it is a lush, red  velvet. So appropriately theatrical. The kids wear head mics.

The performers are practically the same. The awkward, freshman boys with squeaky voices and lanky limbs who are in the show because they are male and have a pulse. The girls are a little different, much more mature at thirteen and fourteen than back in my day. But still, I can see the insecurity in their movements, the contradiction-tentative and confident and then tentative again. The older girls look much older. 

I look at the program and so many of the last names are the same...including one eighth grader who is the daughter of two of my very first school friends. Their child is one of the amazingly confident ones. And an exceptionally talented dancer. She's the reason I went tonight.

This year when I entered Rowe Hall, as it is now so aptly named after my all-time favorite English and drama teacher, I found myself thinking of Dianna-the show was Footloose which came out after we graduated high school. But it was her favorite movie. She dragged me to that movie many, many, many times. Did I say "many"? Many.

We had the soundtrack and listened to it over and over. We acted out the songs. It was her movie. It was all about dancing and, God, how she loved to dance.

I couldn't help being distracted by all the memories. I looked up at that stage and I saw us at all the rehearsals. We spent more time there than at home. We did our homework there and ate our meals there. We were even granted permission by Mr. Rowe himself to be in there during free periods. If the set was up for a show, we hung out on the stage. I sometimes hid out there hoping that no on would find me and at the same time wishing someone would at least come looking. Only Dianna knew that.

The performance tonight was pretty good but there were a couple of times when she would have cringed at the botching of one of her favorite numbers. I know she so would have loved the dancing. We didn't have much choreography back when we were in school so the dance numbers were usually pretty lame.

The kids tonight put on a show that was all about dancing and man, did they dance! Break dancing, line dancing, jazz and funk...amazing. I loved that part of it. But I missed my friend. It's always times like this, the most ordinary of moments, that I feel the empty space she left in my life...in my heart.

At one point, I was having trouble concentrating on the play and thinking of Dianna and the times we shared...I was very close to tears and they were doing a scene that was very similar to the movie and in the background there was music playing. It took me about thirty seconds to realize that it was her song-her high school anthem-and I knew.

I knew she was right there with me bopping and remembering and singing at the top of her lungs.

"Lose your blues. Everybody cut foot loose!"

Marking Time

I know that I have mentioned this before in previous posts, but it's that time of year again and I feel the need to acknowledge my trepidation. I hope it will not bore the three of you.

This time of year is always bittersweet for me. As soon as I buy my mums and put out my pumpkins, I start getting that panicky feeling that time is getting away from me.

Maybe because...well...it is.

I work in a business that is marked by time. My clients come in on the half hour, sometimes every half hour for each day I work which is anywhere from six to ten to sometimes twelve hours per day. Those days when I am completely booked fill me with a strange combination of satisfaction and dread.

We are coming into an extremely (God willing) busy time. The business of beauty booms during the silly season. Please don't misconstrue. I am so very grateful to be busy and am humbled by my steady and loyal clientele.

But when you measure time in half hour increments it gets away from you.

On Halloween night, someone posted a picture with the caption "Happy Halloween" while she was standing in the midst of a fully decked out holiday wonderland. I think it was Target.

I started seeing commercials for the Christmas Spectacular at Radio City in August. There was also an ad for a layaway at Kmart with a stalking gingerbread man airing in September. Once October began, it was a full on assault. Christmas and Hanuka items making their appearances in my local market before October first and garland and twinkle lights on sale at the local drug store two weeks before Halloween (which, by the way, was only four days ago!).

Ticking off the days, minutes and hours of our lives takes its toll. Measured time moves much quicker and we get overwhelmed because we are forever looking at what is next.

I find it difficult to remain calm and collected during this time of year because I want to get to work on time so I can stay on time so I can get out on time so I can get some shopping done before the malls close.

It's exhausting and I haven't even begun to do any of that yet. I am still in the list-making stages. Another very time consuming undertaking to keep me on schedule so I will have enough time to get it all done before I have ever gotten the  chance to start.

And then we went and turned the clocks back last night and I don't know where the hell that hour went!

This exactly why I begin to panic once October is over. I am so stressed about enjoying the time that I over-schedule and run behind and procrastinate and the next thing I know, it's Christmas Eve at two a.m. and I am wrapping presents until it is light out. I get to savor all of fifteen minutes of the entire season.

This happens every year. Why don't I ever see it coming? They tried to warn me, right? There were commercials and Christmas in July on QVC. There were signs everywhere and I still did not have the foresight to be ready.

I think this will be the year that I will be ready and I will try to savor some of it. I will shop early and cut down on my list making and I will try very hard to stay in the moment and not put my Christmas Cd's in my car until after Thanksgiving. 

I have been making changes so I can enjoy my life, right?

Oh, crap! I forgot about all my lifestyle changes! How will I ever fit in learning how to bake with millet flour and quinoa while still managing to hang my organic, recyclable wreath?

Good thing it is only November 3. I still have fifty whole days left to shop, bake, wrap and revel. So, for now, I will just try to stay in the moment.

Happy Election Day, everyone!

"Hello. Yeah. It's been awhile..."

I have not written for quite some time.

Not that I have not been writing.

Just not here.

I have spent the past few months trying to hone my writing skills and found myself consumed by books. Fiction, non-fiction. Old and new.

I am no worse for the wear.

I may even be somewhat improved.

I am maintaining many of my new habits. I am about 80 percent organic.I slacked on the cooking for the summer but not the healthy eating. I really think I have the food and eating down to a routine.

I can tend to be a bit lazy here and there and I struggle with portion control but on the whole I continue to lose weight.

As far as exercising, I have not been quite as diligent. I am on a stop and start routine that I hope to get hold of over the coming weeks.

Work was crazy and I was reading a lot over the summer which is not exactly conducive to activity.

But I think I am working that out.

As I have said before, time-management is one of my many issues.

I am trying to make it all fit into my life somehow and I hope to find the balance and the discipline I have been lacking much of my life.

But I am also learning to be gentle with myself. Some things have to get pushed aside so I can maintain and prioritize the more important things.

It's like organizing your closets; you have to eliminate all the things you don't use, wear or take pleasure in and then you have more room.

That is what I am doing with my life.

One of my many issues has been spending money.

I came from a family that never really had much and when we did have it we didn't know what to do with it. My mother always lived just a little outside her means and loved to say "you can't take it with you". I never knew or realized that not everyone adopted that attitude. I just thought that some people had money and therefore saved and some people didn't so never saved. I fell into the latter category.

Getting a handle on spending has sort of been a by-product of my new, healthier lifestyle. I am far from reformed but I am really trying and, for the first time, this week I did not have to rob from Peter to pay Paul and I did not have to pay any overages or late fees. And I had a small amount left over and I did not spend it.

Today's post has been more of an exercise than an inspiring blog post, but I felt I needed to update my followers and let all four of you know that I am still here and I am still plugging away. I have been toying with something and I will hopefully be sharing it with you in the very near future.

Meanwhile, have a beautiful autumn and cherish the precious hours of daylight.

Be The Change

So this post will be along the same lines as the last one. But I want to give the so-called "normal" world a little perspective on not fitting.

That's not a typo. Not fitting.

When you are more than fifty or a hundred pounds overweight, you don't fit.

You don't fit into booths at a pub. You don't fit into certain chairs in restaurants. You don't fit into stadium, movie theatre, or airplane seats. Or (how could I forget?) stylyng chairs and pedi-spas at the salon.

You don't fit into regular clothes. Your options for clothing are actually quite limited and quite expensive. You can get cheap stuff but it is usually very ugly and unflattering.

Now, I am not talking about "plus sizes" like they sell in most stores. I am not talking a 1X or a 2X. I am talking bigger than they sell in most specialty stores.

There are very few choices for the very large. And the nicer, more fashionable, better quality clothing costs way more than what fluffy gals can find in a basic plus-plus size catalog. My fluffy brothers don't fare much better.

You can't fit through certain stores because they make the spaces between what they are selling more narrow to fit in more products. Walking into a crowded restaurant is a nightmare. Or, when you are in a crowded place, an elevator, a night club, you find yourself trying not to take up so much space, to make room for the normal people. I have seen people not get onto elevators because they think "I don't want to get too close the chubby gal" or they just don't want to take the chance.

Fitting into cars can be an issue too. I remember the last time I gained back weight after keeping off 50 or 60 out of 100 pounds lost, the steering wheel of my car was eroding at the bottom because it hit my stomach when I drove.

And perception and perspective of the thin world is skewed too. I could lose forty or fifty pounds and a thin person might never notice because to certain types of people, fat is fat. 50 pounds or 150 pounds...to them, you are just fat.

A few years ago, a former co-worker of mine came into my new place of employment and I made comment to her about how I used to be skinny (because you always, when you are fluffy, have to clear the air and make it known that you know you've gotten fat!) and she said I looked exactly the same. I had gained 80 pounds since I had last seen her.

Then there is the other end of that spectrum. I have plenty of thin friends who don't "see" my fat because they love me.

They think I am wonderful and beautiful because they see past the weight and see me.

If that is true, then why are they so happy for me when they see me looking more like them? It is for the very same reason, they know me and they love me and they know that this other person was in here all along.

A friend of mine commented to me the other day on my previous post and she said that she takes people noticing when she loses weight in negative way. I've done that. Because you second guess and you say to yourself "Well, jeez, I must have looked really terrible to look so 'great' now. Why did I let myself go like that?"

I am here as a person who only kept getting bigger and bigger and I am here to tell you that I find joy in the fact that I am not getting bigger anymore.

Sometimes I wonder how people who barely know me can notice it and are looking at me in a whole new way. But then there are, what I like to call, the skinny-minded people who don't notice because I am still fat. I hope that's the case, anyway, and that they are not just thinking something completely different. (Like "Is she ever gonna lose all that weight?")

I used to hear skinny people, and when I say skinny people, I mean the really, naturally skinny ones who never had to worry about gaining weight and do anyway, or the ones who are fine they way they are-fit and healthy, but won't wear a bathing suit without shorts and a t-shirt over it; and I wonder what they see when they look in the mirror. I would  kill to be that small; to take up that little space. I don't like to be envious but I am a little  bit. I can admit it.

Last night, I did a client's hair and I have to say, she is hands down, one of the most beautiful women (including models and celebs) that I have ever seen. She is tall and naturally thin. She barely wears a stitch of make-up and she is flawless.

I often wonder, on the rare occasions I meet someone like that, if it feels different to look so pretty.

I know that thin feels much different than fluff. But does pretty feel different than plain? I wonder. I wonder, when you're thin, if you will ever be thin enough.

When I was a size ten, I felt "thin enough". I felt it because that was the size that people treated me like everybody else. That was the size that no one gave me a second glance at the beach. That was the size and weight that fit. That I fit.

I watched a movie (a guilty pleasure and I can't believe I am admitting it to all five you!) called Pitch Perfect in which there is a fluffy girl and she calls  herself Fat Amy "...so twig bitches like you don't do it behind my back." I totally do that. I try to beat people to the punch. To let them know that I know that they know I'm fat!

All you "twig bitches" out there who think you are fat or have a crazy, unrealistic image of yourself, don't teach that to your children. Teach them, instead, to make the right choices when it comes to food. Lead by example. Don't count calories in front of your daughters. Calories are not nearly as important as nutrition.

I think, when I was a child, I received so many mixed messages from my mother and my aunt and my grandmother. "Finish everything on your plate or you don't get dessert!" It didn't matter that I was full, I wasn't allowed to go out and play until I cleared my plate. Then, I was told, as I got older, that I was eating too much.

Teach your girls and boys about healthy foods and lead by example. Eat your fruits and veggies. Drink water instead of soda. Don't force feed them if they are not hungry. But if they are holding out for ice cream and they didn't finish their dinner, tell them that's OK but just one scoop and then have a piece of fruit. When I was a kid, if I choked down all my dinner, I didn't want to miss dessert so I ate it anyway. I'm not saying it's my mother's fault. But, I can't help wondering if, had I learned moderation at a young age, things might be easier for me now.

Don't bribe your children with snacks and treats like my mother did. I'm not saying ever, but don't make it their habit.  Sometimes, you just have to give in and give them that lollipop. But not every time. Sometimes, it's better to just leave the cart in the middle of Target and cut your losses.

Change the cycle. Teach them to get off the couch and away from the computer. Teach them that balance is more important than counting calories. But when they want chocolate cake, let them eat it! Just not on a daily basis.

I'm no shining example of how to be thin. But I sure know how to get fat. Trust me, thin is better. But more important than that is good health. Natural, whole foods most of the time, can make up for the chicken nuggets they're having in the school cafeteria. Teach them. If you are a junk food junkie, teach yourself first.

I come from a long line of the "feed a cold, gorge a crisis" mentality. At some point, we have to break the vicious circle.

Gandhi said that we should "be the change" we want to see in the world. Be the change. Skinny, fat, or somewhere in between, we all need to stop beating ourselves up and start taking care of ourselves.

"Love is a Battlefield"

So I hear language bandied about where fitness and weight loss are concerned and I am afraid that I am going to have to use some of it.

These past two weeks I have experienced my first struggle with my whole new lifestyle.

I am not really struggling too badly, but I definitely feel off my game and can totally see where it could all go awry.

We get to that place I like to call the "safe" zone. For me, it is a place where I begin to feel comfortable in my own skin again. People tell me how great I look and I forget that it is just comparatively speaking.

While I am sure that I have achieved a significant amount of weight loss (I have not yet gotten on the scale), I sometimes forget that I have not reached my goal of achieving wellness by only putting healthful things into my body and keeping active. I almost forgot that I am still, well, fat. I am not "well" yet. I am only better.

I hear so many people say phrases like "always a struggle" or "battling my weight" or other negative, self-defeating language. Up until now, it has not really been much of a struggle for me. I have been consistently able to eat right and keep moving and motivate myself and lose weight. When people say "what diet are you following?" I say I am not on a diet. I just changed everything.

And I did. But I forgot about the traps that have been preset by my sub-conscious to sabotage me along the way. I forgot about complacency, the power of positive reinforcement, the wicked, wicked appeal of a nightly cocktail.

My "struggles" have not really been all that difficult but I used them to ensnare myself in a net of negativity. It's strange how people telling me that they notice that I've lost weight or that I look "great" can be considered a negative in my world but it leads me down a dark path of wrong-thinking: thinking that I look "great" can lead me to think that I can slack off a little. But this is not something to slack off on. I am trying to reverse years of damage and trauma that I have put my body through by carrying all that excess weight.

I came to this realization a few days ago when I heard someone say that it is a never-ending battle to lose weight and be healthy.  It doesn't have to be. I don't want to fight anymore.

I don't want to be too big to fit into chairs with arms anymore. I don't want to have to shop only at "plus size" specialty stores anymore. I don't want to have to worry if the step ladder will hold me when I clean my station at work. That's the real hard stuff. Holding up three hundred pounds every day is the battle. The changing? That's the easy part. But I forgot that for a few days and I let it get to me.

I did not binge eat or suddenly start eating McDonald's and Taco Bell again. I did, however, over-indulge in some of my go-to healthier snacks and get a little lazy in my routine. I did not exercise for nearly two whole weeks.I was not cooking for myself every day. I was not keeping track of little snacks here and there. And I could feel the pull taking hold of me. So I didn't fight it.

I called it what it was-a temporary lapse-and I am moving on.

I don't want to ever look at this life I am choosing to live as a fight or a battle. I only want to stay on my course and do what is best for me.

I could blame the heat for my lack of motivation. But I'd be kidding myself. I fell into a slight depression and now I am climbing out of it.

My sister is doing something similar with her life and she has begun inspiring me. I am going to try to use some visualization techniques to get me over this rough spot. I am envisioning my healthier, happier me and it has seemed to light a bit of a fire under me. Don't get me wrong, I still procrastinated much of my day away and am writing this at almost two in the morning. But I definitely feel the wheels turning again.

I am not waging war on food and fat. I am not fighting the battle of the bulge. I am simply going back to the beginning when it was going right and I am moving on from here.

Who's with me?

"In The Good Old Summertime"

Never let it be said that this fluffy girl does not come clean when she has been slacking!

I have been trying to squeeze every minute out of every day and yet I get so distracted by television and facebook and Candy Crush and birdsong and sunsets and squirrels!

I am squeezing in a brief update on my progress and where I have been slacking off.

I continue to progress at a fairly steady pace with my new healthy lifestyle. That being said, I have been taking some short cuts. 

I am caught in the never ending struggle of trying to create balance in my life. I want to socialize with my friends and visit my family and keep in touch with those close to me who live out of town. I want to spend time with my husband. I want to spend at least some part of my sunny days off at the beach. I want to exercise outside and take advantage of communing with nature while exercising. I want to spend a couple of hours a day writing. I want to keep up with my housework and staying organized because I understand fully how much that will help me in my journey towards good health. I want to have time to meditate. I want to read every book on my summer reading list.I like to do food shopping every few days so I am only eating the freshest and healthiest foods. I want to spend time cooking and preparing that food. All I need is...totally drew a blank there! All I need is what? More time? A time machine? A personal assistant? 

Every night I go to bed saying tomorrow will be the day I hit the ground running. I wake up early after not sleeping more than two hours in a row in the six or seven hours I allot for sleeping. I wake up and have my one cup of caffeine and watch the today show and read a little which usually turns into reading for an hour because I lose all sense of time when I am lost in a book.

I set timers to limit the time I spend doing certain tasks to shave a few minutes here or there. But then I sit down to catch my breath and I'll play a game on my iPhone or someone will call and I'll be on the phone for an hour or I get into texting and it turns into a marathon. I lose hours this way!

I have opened up this old laptop several times in the past week so I can sit and write my book or work on this blog and I, of course, find myself checking email and before I know it I am stalking Facebook. Then the computer crashes because I haven't been on it in three weeks and it needs to be updated and security checked and it's two hours later and all I know is that someone went to the gym, someone is mad at someone, and some celebrity did some ridiculous thing!

Social media and technology are a wonderful way to stay connected to friends and to glean information but I am finding that it is also a way to fritter away what little precious time we all have. Isn't that ironic? Here you sit, all four or five of you, reading my blog that I just spent the last forty minutes I didn't have writing, and I am complaining about technology and my lack of time!

Well, I think I need to shake things up a little in my quest for good health and balance in life. It will take much willpower and a lot of courage on my part. I need to unplug. From now on, I will try to keep my phone on do not disturb while I am doing the important things I need to do to take care of me. Instead of shaving time off cooking by ordering a whole wheat pizza with no cheese and a salad with no dressing.  I will start cooking my own pizzas again and keep the television off and try to eliminate the day to day distractions.

I am determined to stay on my path! I feel like I am putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect at everything that I am not even coming close at even one little thing like taking care of me.

I welcome summer with open arms and I hope that by the time the nights begin to cool and grow longer, I will have a handle on the balance I so desperately seek. I'll keep you posted. Now get off your computer and go to the beach or the park or have some Fro Yo!

"Have You Heard About the Lonesome Loser?"

Another post about loss. Sort of.

It's been marinating for a couple of weeks now but I wasn't, and still am not, sure if I could do it justice.

First of all, and perhaps I should have led with this, I would like to apologize to those of you who have been googling or searching and have found a blog about a middle-aged, over-weight, whiny chick instead of a hot porn site! I got so excited about how many hits my blog got last week that I clicked on the site that was sending people here and I was taken aback when topless women popped up! Let's just say that some things are better left a mystery!

Speaking of mysteries, I have been getting asked a lot about how much weight I have lost and I am sorry to say that I still have no earthly idea. That, like who my readers are, shall remain a mystery.

When I began this whole journey, I knew that it was a complete lifestyle change and not a diet or a weight loss program. It may be difficult for many to grasp the concept. The weight loss is a happy by-product of some life-altering changes I have made.

So what has been turning over around in my head these past few weeks is not about size or weight or  ups and downs on the scale. It's about how I feel about me.

I feel smaller.

Strange thing to say when my foot print is most likely still the same as it ever was. I am a large person and I need more space than the average gal. However, in my mind, I feel completely transformed.

I am transformed, if not completely.

Let's start with the losses. What have I lost since this journey began?

I have lost half my wardrobe because it is too big. I have lost (according to most of the tags in my clothes) two, three, or four sizes depending on what type of clothing you are talking about. I just donated two more bags of clothing this past week.

I needed to buy different bras and underwear because those things need to fit.

I have lost my craving for processed foods, for fatty, non-nutritive food, for decadent cakes and cookies and pies and well you get the idea. I am not saying that I wouldn't enjoy a chocolate chip cookie or some ice cream once in awhile but I would prefer to know that they were made with non-gmo, organic, whole ingredients when possible. I now crave fruits and vegetables and water and whole, raw nuts and grains.

It doesn't bother me so much when someone is having lasagna or fried chicken or take-out from a burger joint. I

I have also lost my obsession with food. I no longer spend my days off devising my menus and grocery lists and trying to figure out what I am going to eat each day so I don't slip up. There is no slipping up any more. I just shop and cook and eat and clean up. If I choose to dine out, I try to make the right kind of choices and ask for sauces or butter or the like to be on the side or left out completely. I even order take out from my local pizza joint and once in a blue I'll have sushi. Last night, we had sushi delivered and they sent me the wrong thing. I do not eat eel. So I ate an egg roll. I made the decision but even as I was eating it I decided that I would just eat the inside and then I panicked because I could taste all that oil and I didn't know what kind of oil it was so I ate the inside of half an egg roll. And then I made a salad.

Not too long ago, I would have eaten two egg rolls and an entree and some steamed dumplings and God knows what else and been totally sick after I ate but still had dessert. Today, something reflexively stops me from doing that.

So this must be what it feels like to not have a compulsion to eat, well, everything.

What have I gained?

I have gained confidence, faith in myself to make the right choices (fro yo for dinner is OK once in a blue). I have gained a cheering section from my co-workers to my readers (all seven of you, porn searchers notwithstanding), new wardrobe choices that have been hanging in my closet for years. I have gained the ability to breathe. That was a biggie. One day I realized that I was breathing like a normal person. I have gained the option to shop in regular stores (still in plus sizes but I don't have to go to specific plus size specialty stores, most of which charge an flabby arm and a dimpled thigh!) I have gained income by not spending all my money on someone else's cooking (Gino, The King, The Colonel, Ronald, Papa John, Chung Wah) and eating out.

It's strange how straightening out one, huge area in my life has brought order to so much of the rest of my life.

I have been walking and am up to four miles now without really trying too hard. I will start adding in short sprints of "jogging" this week. 

I am not scale obsessed like I used to be when trying to lose weight. That trying thing really struck me. I no longer try to lose weight. I eat healthy and I exercise. The weight is coming off all on it's own and it seems to be at a good pace. Some weeks I feel my clothes are looser and looser and some weeks I feel the same. But I never feel bigger. And I always feel better. Each week I notice another little ache or pain has gone away. Or I am sleeping better. Or I don't get headaches any more. Or I had a sore throat and very red tonsils but it went away and I didn't lose any time from work because it turned in to a nasty cold then bronchitis etc.

On those long walks, I am really taking stock and facing some demons that I thought I buried long ago. They are still there and I am trying to deal with them one at a time. I am trying to be brave and open up each door very slowly.
I'm a fixer and a doer and I want to make it all great without waiting to see if it all supposed to actually be great.

Control.

I could spend my days trying to control the outcome of every aspect of my life and that would most likely leave me sitting on the sofa binge-eating my way through every take-out menu ever published! Gaining control of your life, to me, means realizing that you are not actually in control of it. All you can control is how you react to what life throws at you. If the pitch is in the dirt, don't swing.

"Happiness is a Warm Puppy" Charles M. Shulz

I have been thinking about grief and loss a lot lately.

Recently, some very dear friends of mine lost their most beloved pet. Their dog was sixteen years old so he had been part of their lives for a very long time. More than half their son's life.

When my cat died she was twenty-one. She saw me through the loss of both my parents, some rocky times in my marriage, several moves, weight loss and weight gain, and a couple of surgeries. She wasn't nice to other people but I knew she loved me.

When you own and love a pet, your habits become about that pet. Your sleep patterns, what you do when you get home from work, even the position you lie in bed is adjusted for that furry family member. They end up owning you right back.

When a pet dies, as with any family member, you feel the grief and loss completely. However, we don't get to give our pets the same kind of send-off that humans get.

When a person we love dies, whether it is suddenly or after prolonged illness, we go through stages of grief.

Maybe we plan their funeral, pick out music for a church service, order flowers, call friends and family, call the newspaper, prepare tons of food. People come in and out of your house at all hours. It's almost like the preparations we make for other, more happy events in our lives. Just add grief. It's a busy time and you don't have much time to dwell on the loss. The grief seeps in gradually.

When a pet dies, it is much more solitary. Depending on whether or not the pet dies of natural causes or we make that all too difficult decision to humanely end their suffering, the immediate family gathers, we say goodbye, and we cry and then it's pretty much business as usual. You don't get paid bereavement time. You don't even get the finality of a funeral or church service. Maybe the vet takes care of the whole thing or, after a couple of weeks, you have a container with their remains. Some people choose to take them to a pet cemetery, some choose a sunny spot in their yards, but we are expected to grieve and move on almost immediately.

But, after the first couple of days, when we come home from work or the grocery store, our house seems much more empty than it did before. Our hearts are broken. We are grieving. 

So why risk it?

One of my co-workers and I were having lunch and discussing grieving a pet's loss and she said that was why she doesn't think she would ever get a pet for her children.

I said, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

I have been thinking about that ever since. It could easily be said the other way round, "nothing ventured, nothing lost," right?

So why do we put ourselves out there and risk loving a pet? I think it is a valuable lesson to teach all of us about grief and loss but also about unconditional love and joy.

I look back to my first pet, Guy. He was a French Poodle. He was a bit of a misfit, though. As were all of my pets, I think.

He lost part of his ear, he chased cars. But he was a great dog. He was well behaved. Well, except for that time he bit my brother's cheek. In Guy's defense, I believe my brother was forcing the dog to wear his underpants at the time. He had  been clipped by cars a couple of times but he never got seriously hurt. Then, one day, he got hit. My mother was at work and my sister had to deal with the whole thing on her own. Their was a nice, elderly man who lived in our apartment complex and I remember his kindness when my sister came and told us what happened. But I loved that dog and I still remember him and all his quirks. He loved us unconditionally.

Then there was Chip, Chippy. Or as we lovingly called him, Poopie or Poop or Poopie Head. My mother called him Shithead. Come to think of it she called all our dogs Shithead. She had a theory that it was all in how you said it not what  you said. For that reason, I called my cat Fuckface.

Let's face it, many people out there are not pet owners or maybe they don't even like animals or the messes they make. 

I think pet ownership is the great metaphor for life. People break our hearts every day. They break up with us, they never call or write (or text), they do or say hurtful things, they manipulate us. And still we love.

All pets want from us is food and water and shelter and love. Just like children. They are not manipulative or petty. They don't betray us. OK, maybe they chew up our sofa or poop in our shoe or knock that beloved picture frame over and it seems calculated and spiteful. But they are not deliberately malicious. They just want our attention. They grow old. They get sick. They die.

Isn't that life in a nutshell? I learned grief at a fairly early age because Guy got hit by a car. I remember my mother being very gentle with us when it happened and letting me sleep in her bed.

So risking it, risking our hearts this way-adopting that dog, winning that goldfish, rescuing that kitten, has a big pay off. It teaches us how to love and accept love unconditionally. It teaches us responsibility for another living being. It teaches us that, while opening up your heart to all the joy and heartache love can bring, if you don't sow the seeds, you don't reap the harvest. And, yes it teaches us to grieve.

But let's not forget, it also teaches us how to heal.

"You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine"

So, lately I have been doing a lot of talking at work about my new healthy lifestyle. I feel almost like a broken record when I give my speeches about my food extracting, my healthy cooking, eating whole organic and clean,  how easy it is etc.

But, yesterday I was talking to a woman who has had the same lifelong struggle with weight and she asked me what most people seem to want to know: "How much weight have you lost?"

I have no idea. While it's clear that the amount is significant enough for people to be noticing, I am sorry to say I don't know. A lot of people are more concerned with the pounds coming off or how much fat they are eating or how many carbs are in that banana.

I try to stress to them that it is a lifestyle change and not a diet. That I am not going to set weight loss targets and and a final goal. I want to sustain good health for however long I am going to live on this great planet of ours.  

I set out to figure out why I struggle with food, to learn about my relationship with eating. I wanted to address all my triggers and why I would always gain the weight back. I wanted to figure out why I became a compulsive eater in the first place.

I have taken a long hard look at all of those things. And while I don't, and may never, have all they answers as to why food was my way through stress and grief, I now know that there is another way to use food.

I have done numerous weight loss programs and all I concerned myself with was eating however many calories, points, fat grams, or carbs were allowed on these "diets". I have learned much from these programs including what not to do. I have also learned that I had so many tools already and never knew how to use them.

I am not a vegan. I am not a total raw food freak. I am not only going to eat what has fallen on the ground for fear of hurting the plant or tree from which it came! But I do care what I put into my body.

Does this mean I will never again have a burger from a drive-thru? Most likely, yes. Does it mean I will never have ice cream or cookies or chocolate or pizza? Not on your life!

There are many alternatives to fast food and junk food. I still have chips and salsa. I still have cheese. I even have beef once in a blue moon. I dine out. I visit friends. I go to social functions. And, in all of these instances, I choose things that are most like what I would make at home. Yes, the chips are most likely multi-grain and organic and I might order something without some of the sauces and glazes. I make my own salad dressing. It's not that hard to do.

I reached a couple of landmarks this week and I am quite proud of both.

Tomorrow will start week number seventeen of eating healthy and taking care of myself. When I belonged to Weight Watchers, they had started something where, after sixteen weeks, you received a key chain that said "sweet sixteen". Behavioral professionals believe that if you can change a behavior for sixteen weeks, the new behavior you replaced the bad one with becomes a new habit. So you absolutely can teach an old dog new tricks!

There is still a long road ahead of me to get this battered body of mine back into shape and there is much learning on my part that still needs to take place. But I know in my bones that this is the right path for me. It's not for everyone. Lots of people can maintain good health and weight and still have the occasional Big Mac or ice cream sundae. They don't need to pre-think each morsel they ingest. But food has been my go to drug for so long that I have to continue to be wary of going back to my old way of thinking which was, when it came to food, not much thinking at all. I drove past a fast food drive-thru yesterday as a short cut and I realized that aside from maybe the actual taste of some of the food, I don't miss those super sized meals one bit. There are so many tastes that I am discovering that are way more satisfying and will lead me to better health.

My other landmark was fitting into ten pairs of pants that have been sitting in my closet for a few years. Some of them were almost brand new! When I began this whole journey, I was busting out of a size and could have gone up and the pants would have fit fine (maybe slightly loose). Now,I am squeezing into some that are three full sizes down. I won't wear those yet. Maybe in a couple of weeks. And, although I'll hold on to them a bit longer, I will be donating some of my "fatter" pants eventually.

I set out to make myself healthier. I think I am achieving that, more so each week. I knew that I needed to lose weight. DUH! But, I did not start out with that specific goal in mind. It has been a wonderful by-product of changing everything!

There's a weight loss product commercial on TV that says "Want big pants?" My response has always been "I already have big pants! That's my problem!" But I guess I forgot that I also had smaller pants that were just waiting for my ass to get smaller (and, maybe a little smarter)!

"Please Come to Boston for the Springtime..."

There are times when I come up with a million and one ideas for posts and then by the time I get through my day and sit at my computer, I have completely forgotten what I wanted to say.

This may be one of those times so forgive me if I end up rambling.

Last weekend I went to visit a friend who lives out of state. Over the years since she moved there with her husband, it has become a haven for me. She has added a daughter, now thirteen, and two cats. It's a wonderfully cozy niche in the mountains of  southern Pennsylvania. I go there to heal.

Well it ended up being a more chaotic weekend than I would have had if I had stayed home. Her daughter was in a play and my friend was starting a new job and family was in and out and a big project was due and there wasn't a lot of down time. I had a ball. I left there as relaxed as ever.

It took me seven hours to get home and I spent most of that time singing to the radio and hatching a story that could turn into a book or a series of books or nothing at all.

When I got home, my husband informed me of the tragedy at the Boston Marathon. My thoughts went immediately to another friend whose daughter is about to graduate from BU. I was relieved to find out that she was safe.

But I was struck by the fact that some people were not. The news was still sketchy and no one knew how many people were killed or injured. When things like this happen, I can't help but wonder why humans can do such terrible things to their fellow humans. It's baffling.

But I was also struck by the spirit of some people who ran into the crowd to help their fellow humans. Not just the first responders...but the ordinary citizens who probably don't think they did anything extraordinary.

A marathon is an inspiring event to people like me...long distance running is something I don't think I could ever understand. You run until you're panting and your eyes are going to pop out of your head and your muscles burn and you are hallucinating...I just don't get it. I don't think I'll be running any marathons any time soon or ever at all. Small sprints are more my speed. Very small. And not even all that sprint-y.

I watched the news while they were trying to take the second bomber into custody. I found myself praying that they didn't kill him. I believed, or hoped, that he may be able to provide some minor tidbit of intel that would help thwart any further acts of terror that may be in the offing. There had been enough death over those few days and all of it senseless.  I truly felt for the  poor families of all those victims. And these two boys who got all pumped up with hate...I even had a little pity for them...and for their families who just couldn't believe that these two boys would do anything remotely like this. We have since learned that maybe the older boy was filled with some kind of hatred for our ways and wanted to do some damage.

These terrorists don't understand that the lesson isn't theirs to teach. Most American citizens, and most citizens of the world as well, are just going about their lives.

We all go to school...I'm not talking about Third World countries and countries where girls aren't allowed to get an education...but most of us go to school and graduate and go to college or trade schools or out into the world to make a living. We get married, move in with life partners, have children or buy a dog or adopt a cat or a ferret or a parakeet...we spend most our lives working and trying to stay afloat...we don't take time to stop and consider that someone is resenting us because we have all this opportunity and all this entitlement and all this stuff and we don't appreciate any of it...and because our government is using their countries for oil and power and whatever else, they blame us because they think we are all the same...and maybe we are what they think...complacent, intolerant, irreverent. They say, "We'll show them!" and they try to blow us up or they crash planes into our buildings because we believe that girls SHOULD go to school and every nation should have clean water and schools and art and music. We are walking our dogs and cleaning out the litter box and feeding the fish and we are buying groceries and cars and condos. We are so caught up in getting little Sally to ballet class and soccer practice and honor society meetings, and Rover to the groomer and Fluffy to the cat whisperer that we don't realize that there are whole villages being taught to hate our entitled lives.

There are people out there who want to blow us up. They want to destroy our infrastructure. They want to scare us with nuclear weapons. But, I don't think these people are the majority. Only the people who want to inflict terror on us feel that we should suffer and die for our ways.That is why we call them "terrorists".

I would like to believe that most people are tolerant and good and don't hate because of diversity. I know there are many in the world and lots in this country who hate because of skin color, religion, sexual orientation or political affiliation. Diversity has always made this country strong. It is not an excuse to hate.

These terrorists, foreign and domestic alike, are no better than bullies on the playground. Why bring a knife to a gunfight? Why bring a bomb to a foot race? I doubt very many people there had some kind of political agenda. They just wanted to run or cheer on their loved ones. And they paid dearly for the privilege.

But the human spirit is resilient and we still have Neil Diamond and the New York Yankees still paid homage to the Boston Red Sox. And in London, at their own marathon, people wore ribbons and dedicated their run to the victims of the Boston tragedy. We are not undone by what they do.

Let's Talk About...DUH!

Today I think it is finally time to talk about what I like to call the DUH Factor. Oprah has her "A-Ha moments, and I have the DUH Factor.

You're a ten year old chubby girl on the playground in Grade school and one of the school bullies challenges you to a fight. Lots of kids are gonna turn out to watch the weird chubby girl get an ass-whupping from the meanest girl in town! I wouldn't miss it for the world. Of course I couldn't miss it since I was the chubby girl.

The last thing I wanted to do was instigate a fight with this heartless and tough bully. I probably had 30 pounds on the kid but I didn't think my weight was an asset back then (or ever, come to think of it)...

It was a chilly day on the playground and everyone was waiting to see if I'd show. The bully was there with all her tough, trash-talking friends. In the end, however, the fight never happened. She said that she knew that someone told one of the playground attendants and that we would most likely get suspended if we fought. Now that I knew it was not going to happen, I got real brave and said that she should never have punched me in the neck to begin with. Then it hit me...the DUH Factor! DUH! Keep your mouth shut you idiot! She's still gonna kick your butt, just not today!

Hoping that it wasn't a case of too little, too late, I clammed up and avoided her like the plague for the rest of my school career and have avoided contact with her in all forms of social media! She threatened me a couple more times but it never turned into anything. But that didn't stop me from being afraid of her.

She did get back at me by convincing someone to squeeze an entire tube of Aim toothpaste into my sleeping bag during the Girl Scout camping trip to Bear Mountain.

So what is my reason for telling this story? I am not sure and it certainly doesn't paint a pretty picture of my childhood...Oh yeah! Because I believe that this was my first encounter with the DUH Factor.

The DUH Factor is a knowing. Knowing that you've always had the power to change things-the world-your behavior-your hiding place for toothpaste when on any Girl Scout outing-and most importantly to change your mind!

Since starting this whole new lifestyle, I have completely changed the way I look at so many things. One is the way I look at myself. I am brutal on myself. I need to be much kinder and gentler to me. DUH! Another is the way I approach stressful situations. That fight or flight reflex kicks in and I automatically go into stress over-drive! Sweat beads on my brow and the back of my neck, my throat gets dry and tight, my heart rate accelerates at an alarmingly quick clip...if I would just remember to breathe and let the stress happen, my reaction wouldn't take such a physical toll. DUH!

A very long time ago, I learned that food and fun and food and stress and food and sadness and food and loss and food and insecurity go hand in hand in...well, you see my point.

Now, I look back and realize that I never had to carry that with me. DUH! The bully on the playground was a million times less harmful to me than the bully in  my head telling me that food was the way to alleviate everything stressful and bad in my life.

So, since I am still at the beginning of my  journey, I am learning that food is not a replacement for love or friendship or loss. It is not my friend. It is not my enemy. Food is for sustenance and health and well being.  DUH!

I am also learning that my tendency toward being over-weight is not who I am. It doesn't define me...well, it doesn't have to define me. I think, perhaps, I am still working on that one.

The most important lesson that I am still learning is that I have a choice in this matter. The tragedies and sorrows of my life don't need to be my excuse for my obesity.  I think that my mother and her mother and maybe even her mother's mother, truly believed that they didn't have too many choices in life. You get what you get.

I don't believe that.

And I also figured out that we don't get one chance or five chances or no chances...we get an infinite...OK maybe not infinite because we are all gonna die someday-DUH!...we get a myriad of chances every day to make at least one or one million right decisions. Sometimes, we are aware of the choices we make against the challenges with which we are faced. Sometimes we have to look for choices. Sometimes fate steps in and rips that choice right out from under your feet. But we can still remain standing!

Take a good, long look at yourself and say "Hmmm...there's a lot of room for improvement." Then, find out what needs the most work and one day and one bad habit and one quirk or whatever-at a time...choose to change. DUH! Just change one thing. One behavior that derails your chances of reaching your potential! DUH!

"I Believe in You and Me"

So I have made a discovery. A revelation, really.

I have discovered that even when I am feeling my worst, I can still make smart choices.

Spring is still not quite here. I am not deterred. We had some lovely sunny days and I began my couch to 5k. I have discovered that the program I am doing is only 3 days so I elected to walk on those other days. But just when I was gaining momentum, I was struck down by what I must only term as embarrassing feminine issues. Being of a certain age, it is bound to happen.

But it took me out of the game for a few days.

And on a holiday weekend.

Still, I managed to pull it off and made a simple dinner for my sister and myself. It was healthy and nutritious and delicious and I was useless the next day.

And yet, for all my inability to get off the couch, I still managed to make good choices. I had some carbs and cheese on Easter so yesterday I was determined to make up for it. And I did. I cut out excess fat and opted for veggies and lower carb fruits. No potatoes. No bread. And I was fine. I never felt hungry or deprived. I even managed to drink my water in between naps. It was a very self-indulgent day and yet I managed to NOT over-indulge. Hubby brought home some candy from the super market and I didn't touch a morsel. Not even a bite of a peanut butter cup (my biggest weakness)...and still I did not feel deprived. I had a yogurt and added some banana and berries and a drizzle of honey. That was my big indulgence for the day.

Anyone reading this who is NOT addicted to food may not understand what a big deal this is. I am managing to get through without even wanting to overeat.

It all started with an idea I had been rolling around in my brain. That idea was born out of all the failed attempts I ever made at weight loss. And by failed I mean that the weight, however long I managed to keep it off-weeks-months-years, always came back. Sometimes it crept back slowly and I managed to quash it before it took me back to where I started. And sometimes it came back with a vengeance doubling or tripling my original weight loss.

How could I start anew, up 100 plus pounds from my last significant (84 pounds) loss? I realized that I had all the tools already in my arsenal. I knew how to eat, how to move. I investigated alternative ideas like switching to whole, clean food. I learned about holistic ways to heal my body and mind. And I prayed. I learned about organic, sustainable foods. I was bombarded with info about all the latest "super foods" (dunt dunt duhh!).

Then I realized knowing all this hasn't done me much good so I decided to change one thing. I changed my mind. I changed my mind about my relationship with food. I decided that I would not diet. I would not weigh in. I would not beat myself up for gaining it back. I would not look too far down the road at how much work I have to do to lose all this weight I've gained. I decided that just worrying about each moment as it arrives is the best way to conquer the negativity that made me think food had any power over me. I replaced the negative with a positive. It has begun to carry over into other areas in life and I am still at the very beginning of this lifelong journey.

On the wall, next to my station at work, is print that reads "Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life." Why not embrace that as my mantra? It does not mean that tragedy will not strike. It does not mean that I won't fall flat on my face. To me it means that it is my choice. I choose a healthier, happier version of me.

I can't help but be impatient with myself and my limitations because of my weight. But I am trying to believe in my own ability to put one foot down in front of the other. I am trying to believe that we all have that power. I want to believe that this light I see at the end is real.

And, most of the time, I do.

Untitled (That's a TITLE!)

Well, it seems that Spring has fallen a little flat this year. I had set specific goals that never really came to fruition. I blame the groundhog.

Every year I watch that little bugger and this year was no different. I waited while a bunch of silly men and women stood around on a cold, February morning and put my faith in a-is the groundhog a rodent?-well, whatever he is, I put my faith and trust in him when they all proclaimed (with an actual proclamation) that Spring would arrive early this year.

I usually don't put much stock in any of that. Spring comes on March 20th whether the weather cooperates or not! But this year has been an exceptionally cold and nasty winter and I guess I wanted it to be true.

It's not.

There is snow in the forecast for Monday.

I will not be deterred. I will not let these gray days bring me down!

This healthy lifestyle of mine is going to get me through even if Spring doesn't come until May! (God forbid!)

Now that the weather report is out of the way, I would like to share one of my goals that I will begin working on in the coming weeks.

I am going to start training for a 5K. I may end up only walking it and I will be fine with that but I will be starting a modified couch to 5K program in the next couple of weeks.

My attempts at exercise over the past couple of weeks have been, at best, falling short of what I expected after eating this way for nearly three months.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I got myself worked up for "better weather". Well, since that may never get here, I need to step up my game and get a move on.

My progress as far as the eating part of this lifestyle change has been fairly steady. People are telling me they notice a difference and a lot of my clothes (from the last two sizes I purchased) are beginning to feel quite roomy. My stamina has been on a steady incline. I feel more focused and more aware of how different I feel when I eat the right foods. I am using my food extractor and "drinking my veggies" which seems to be helping with so many of my issues.

I no longer have knee pain or joint pain. I no longer have a wheeze. My feet no longer look like Macy's Thanksgiving balloons. My skin looks better. I don't seem to run out of breath like I used to while doing the simplest tasks like tying my shoes. I no longer break a sweat just trying to get ready for work. I had ringing in my ears that has subsided considerably. I no longer sweat profusely when doing minor tasks.

I have introduced more organic foods into my diet. I can't wait to hit some farms out East over the summer! Hopefully, the bounty there will be more cost effective than what I can get at the local markets.

As far as some of the other aspects of my lifestyle make-over or do-over or Mulligan-are concerned, I have gotten my house in order clearing out closets and making my kitchen more user-friendly. Even when I am making dinner, I am much more organized.

I find that now I feel like actually have time to breathe once in a great while.

I am working on that.

I am also working on getting more water into the program. When I am busy at work, I find that my water bottle just sits there. The last week, I have been trying to be more aware of it and drink whenever I get the chance.

I am also not so strict in planning my menus. Sometimes, what I planned goes out the window because I ran out of time so I do a lot of off the cuff cooking. Most of the time, it's been a success. I am trying not to buy too much food all at one time. I make two or three trips to different stores during the week and that keeps the foods I am making that much fresher.

As far as nurturing my spirit, I am going to church, meditating, doing a small amount of yoga, and praying as often as I can.

I am still feeling like I could topple over at any time but my balance is getting much better and I feel more and more stable all the time.

This coming month will be all about fitting in the physical part of this journey. If that means I have to walk at the mall because of a freak April blizzard, then so be it.

By the way, the groundhog is a rodent. Ick!

You put your whole self in...

Today I got back on the mat. The Yoga mat.

Years ago, when I was starting yet another stint with Weight Watchers, I decided I would try Yoga. I did and I loved it. But I did it to home videos...I never took a class.

They were very good tapes for beginners and the Yogi, Alan Finger, was very good at explaining it all. It definitely helped me with flexibility and centering me.

The last time I lost weight, I started with the Yoga tapes and a Pilates tape and I even dusted off some Tae Bo videos. That was before I had my dvd player. None of those will work since I no longer have the VCR. So I am trying to follow a TV show. Much harder. It would be much easier to be able to pause or rewind when I miss something because I am focusing all my energy on getting up off the floor. And they don't always show the modified versions of the poses (which I modify even further!) that fluffy gals like me can use. Yoga is a practice where you condition yourself with moves that engage your whole body and you use your own body's resistance to make yourself stronger. Well, this body is verrrry resistant!

I realize that I am much older and much larger than I was the last time. But I want to move. I am not ready for a class. The instructor would end up devoting all her time to me!

In my mind, I feel so much better and so energized that I feel like I can do anything. This morning I was reminded of my limitations. But I stuck with it. I even held some of the standing poses and downward dog for quite a bit longer than I thought I could. I know that I will reach the point where it seems effortless and I won't be holding my breath and scrunching my shoulders.

Honestly? It was the hardest thing I've done so far and at the end of the day I feel a little taller,  a little more powerful, and a lot stronger.

Namaste.

Redux: brought back; revived; resurgent...

I am going to consider this post the first real post in Fluffy Girl 2.0.

I am almost two months into this whole life altering...what should I call this... Program? Nah. Change? Redundant. Redux? YES! I am almost two months into my life-changing redux. It's not a noun but if the film industry can take poetic license so can I.

In the movie Princess Bride, Inigo goes back to the beginning  so that is what I am trying to do.

It all began with my addiction to infomercials. My dear friend was addicted to the same infomercial and she took the plunge first. We both purchased a food extractor which takes fruits and vegetables and breaks them down to a level where, when you ingest the drink, you get all the benefits and nutrients without your body first breaking them down. It's sort of like juicing but it utilizes all the fiber and nutrient-rich skins, seeds and stems (some are poisonous so be careful).

For some reason, I felt I couldn't start any of it without that little kitchen appliance.

I re-vamped my pantry and donated all the processed and unhealthy foods that were taking up space. I went through my spice rack and updated it. I made sure that I had only healthy oils and got rid of much of the stuff I thought would de-rail my efforts.

I re-organized my kitchen so that all the things I would be using were right at my fingertips without me having to run and get the stepladder.

Then I investigated a little bit of what I might need to get started. I went shopping and bought leafy greens, fruits, and lots of chicken breasts.

Week one was easy. I cooked ahead of time and did some slow cooker recipes.

Gradually, I have added a bunch of whole grains, more varieties of leafy greens such as collards, mustard, Swiss chard and even beet greens. I use these in my drinks on a daily basis and also cook many quick and easy meals that are healthy and filling.

I learned that fresh ginger, garlic, and turmeric are some very good and especially beneficial things to add to my cooking and also to my drinks.

I also added some "Super Foods" to my repertoire. I added chia seeds, goji berries, flax seeds, pumpkin seeds, quinoa, wheat berries, a variety of vegetables, nuts and legumes, and coconut oil.

Once I started modifying my diet and cooking my meals in a healthier way, I instantly felt better. I had more energy, my mood improved, and I immediately saw weight loss.

It takes a little time and planning to make sure that I have the right things at the ready. I keep a journal of what I eat in the form of a menu, how much I move, and even a weekly to do list just to keep track. Every week I start with Day One because every week I go back to the beginning.

I have eliminated refined sugar for the most part. I no longer drink diet soda. I was totally addicted to diet cola! I drink one cup of coffee in the morning then I might have de-caf or herbal or green tea. I use stevia, agave and raw honey to make things sweeter. I avoid most white starches. If I have them, it's in small quantities no more than two times a week.

I drink mostly water and sometimes I use the Soda Stream my sister got us for Christmas and have home made seltzer with limes, lemons, apples, cucumbers.

I am a food addict. I am a junk food junkie. I do not miss these foods. Let me say it again. I do not miss these foods. I have replaced them with the real deal. Real food. Real home-cooking.

I don't need to have take-out or drive-thru meals every day. I don't even have cold cuts any more. I do not feel deprived. If I truly want something, like pizza, I will have it in moderation and maybe in a healthier way. Make my own with fresh veggies and whole wheat crust. 

One thing I do miss is chocolate. I have been buying those fancy dark chocolate bars. I make sure they are Organic and have more than fifty percent cacao in them. A little bit satisfies my craving. One bar lasts me a couple of weeks. Sometimes I will have it with berries or raisins or a little all-natural peanut butter.

I am trying to eat mostly clean and whole foods. I try to use organic when I can afford it. Otherwise I look for things that say "all natural" because these are mostly foods that are not grown or raised with hormones.

By brown-bagging my lunch, drinking filtered water, and not buying pre-made meals, I am saving money. I buy fruits that can be frozen when they are on sale such as berries, grapes, bananas, mangoes and pineapples and put them in freezer bags. It makes my smoothies nice and cold without having to add ice.

When my leafy greens are starting to wilt I make soup or sautee them with beans and spices and add them to my meals.

When summer comes, I will be growing a lot of my own veggies and strawberries in pots on my patio. I am also looking into growing my own sprouts and making my own sprouted breads.

The more I learn about healthier products and switching to whole, clean, organic food, the more I feel like this is a complete lifestyle change.

I am also re-discovering that I am a good cook. There have been a few recipes I made and wondered what I was thinking. But, for the most part, I am thoroughly enjoying the time I spend in my kitchen. I don't even mind the clean up!

I am learning. I will not be perfect but I know that whatever comes my way, if I keep putting healthy things into my body, I will feel better able to meet life's challenges. Life is hard anyway. Why not be healthy while your trying to keep it all together.?

Starting Over

Here we go! Careening through another year. I am not usually happy about time passing but I was not at all unhappy to see last year go.

Without sounding too much like I am on the New Year, New Me bandwagon, I decided about five weeks ago to make this a year of permanent change for me.

I have set some major and minor goals to get me on the road to self-improvement. Trust me, there is plenty of room for that in my life.

Some of my goals will be very private and I will not share here on these pages.

But many of them, I believe, may just be goals that can inspire others to make their own improvements.

Fluffy Girl started out to be a place for me to put my frustrations with my own food addiction. A place to lay it all out and try to make sense of it. But it turned into so much more. I just let it run its course and it took me on a journey of discovery.

I discovered who I don't want to be any more.

Most people, when they see me, see the fat, self deprecating clown. Always trying to beat you to the punch...making jokes about the size of my butt. If they look a little deeper, they will see someone who tries to be current with style and fashion (as current as a woman of size can be) and showers daily. I take care of my teeth and use sunscreen...I haven't let myself go, completely.

But, for a long time now, I've been phoning it in-doing the absolute minimum to make myself "presentable". Obesity not withstanding.

This all sounds so very superficial and, at first, it was.

But then some things started to happen. The knee pain was one of the most noticeable to me. And the swollen feet. I could just about make it through my work day. My feet would look like Macy's balloons by the end of the day. And my ankles looked like they had donuts around them. The shortness of breath was very scary. But then I got used to it. I never got used to the permanent wheeze. The back pain and the neck pain and the joint pain from the strain of packing on the pounds was beginning to take it's toll. My skin looked dull. My hair was thinning. And a lovely side effect of the weight gain that I blamed on hormones was profuse sweating. I have always been a warm person but this was out of control. I used hot flashes as my excuse.

Shortly after the holidays, I had two bouts of illness. The first resulted in terrible cough that lingered for weeks. Then, just as the cough was finally getting better, I had another go and spent three days on the couch crying and moaning.

When I went back to work I was still sweating and dizzy. At one point, I thought I was finally having my heart attack.

Two days later, something inside of me snapped and I realized that I did not want to go down this way. I don't want to be unrealistic and expect to look like a swimsuit model. I've done a lot of damage over the years and even if I was one to go for it, surgery couldn't even fix it all.

But this thing inside of me that clicked into place helped me to decide. It is time to confront my relationship with food and weight gain. I have lost weight numerous times. Substantial amounts. 50, 60, 100, 85 pounds. I have never kept it off for more than a few years and when I gain it back, I end up weighing more than I ever have.

Which is where I am now. Well, five weeks ago, anyway.

I am on week six of a new way of thinking about weight loss and food in general. I have decided to eat whole and clean foods. I am trying to avoid processed foods. I am avoiding take out food of all kinds. I have not had a soda, diet or otherwise, in five weeks. I don't miss the bad stuff. I have replaced it with good stuff.

I finally realize that my relationship with food and what I used food for, was killing me. I need to use food to keep me sustained and I can even eat food that I enjoy and gives me comfort. But those foods don't have to be unhealthy and bad for me. I don't want to go to crazy extremes but the more healthy nutrition I put into my body, the better I am feeling. I have embraced some strange things like goji berries, flax seed, quinoa and kale!

And, so far, it has never felt like a struggle. I am enjoying cooking again. I am no longer a puddle just from standing in line at the bank. I can breathe and my clothes are getting looser.

I have decided not to weigh myself because I don't care where I was. And I don't want to put a number on my goal. That sends the wrong signals to my brain that when I reach that number I will be "finished" with this "diet". This is not a diet. This is a complete lifestyle change. I will be 50 in two short years. I want to be a "young" 50! I want to keep these changes in place forever.

That's not saying that I will never have a "real" cookie or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. But when I do, it won't be my undoing.

I am fortunate to have great friends that support me and I know my
Angel has her hand on my back.

Fluffy Girl 2.0 is going to be the place for me to put my progress, struggles, and maybe some helpful hints along the way! And recipes too.

Baby steps...