So I have made a discovery. A revelation, really.
I have discovered that even when I am feeling my worst, I can still make smart choices.
Spring is still not quite here. I am not deterred. We had some lovely sunny days and I began my couch to 5k. I have discovered that the program I am doing is only 3 days so I elected to walk on those other days. But just when I was gaining momentum, I was struck down by what I must only term as embarrassing feminine issues. Being of a certain age, it is bound to happen.
But it took me out of the game for a few days.
And on a holiday weekend.
Still, I managed to pull it off and made a simple dinner for my sister and myself. It was healthy and nutritious and delicious and I was useless the next day.
And yet, for all my inability to get off the couch, I still managed to make good choices. I had some carbs and cheese on Easter so yesterday I was determined to make up for it. And I did. I cut out excess fat and opted for veggies and lower carb fruits. No potatoes. No bread. And I was fine. I never felt hungry or deprived. I even managed to drink my water in between naps. It was a very self-indulgent day and yet I managed to NOT over-indulge. Hubby brought home some candy from the super market and I didn't touch a morsel. Not even a bite of a peanut butter cup (my biggest weakness)...and still I did not feel deprived. I had a yogurt and added some banana and berries and a drizzle of honey. That was my big indulgence for the day.
Anyone reading this who is NOT addicted to food may not understand what a big deal this is. I am managing to get through without even wanting to overeat.
It all started with an idea I had been rolling around in my brain. That idea was born out of all the failed attempts I ever made at weight loss. And by failed I mean that the weight, however long I managed to keep it off-weeks-months-years, always came back. Sometimes it crept back slowly and I managed to quash it before it took me back to where I started. And sometimes it came back with a vengeance doubling or tripling my original weight loss.
How could I start anew, up 100 plus pounds from my last significant (84 pounds) loss? I realized that I had all the tools already in my arsenal. I knew how to eat, how to move. I investigated alternative ideas like switching to whole, clean food. I learned about holistic ways to heal my body and mind. And I prayed. I learned about organic, sustainable foods. I was bombarded with info about all the latest "super foods" (dunt dunt duhh!).
Then I realized knowing all this hasn't done me much good so I decided to change one thing. I changed my mind. I changed my mind about my relationship with food. I decided that I would not diet. I would not weigh in. I would not beat myself up for gaining it back. I would not look too far down the road at how much work I have to do to lose all this weight I've gained. I decided that just worrying about each moment as it arrives is the best way to conquer the negativity that made me think food had any power over me. I replaced the negative with a positive. It has begun to carry over into other areas in life and I am still at the very beginning of this lifelong journey.
On the wall, next to my station at work, is print that reads "Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life." Why not embrace that as my mantra? It does not mean that tragedy will not strike. It does not mean that I won't fall flat on my face. To me it means that it is my choice. I choose a healthier, happier version of me.
I can't help but be impatient with myself and my limitations because of my weight. But I am trying to believe in my own ability to put one foot down in front of the other. I am trying to believe that we all have that power. I want to believe that this light I see at the end is real.
And, most of the time, I do.
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