Starting Over

Here we go! Careening through another year. I am not usually happy about time passing but I was not at all unhappy to see last year go.

Without sounding too much like I am on the New Year, New Me bandwagon, I decided about five weeks ago to make this a year of permanent change for me.

I have set some major and minor goals to get me on the road to self-improvement. Trust me, there is plenty of room for that in my life.

Some of my goals will be very private and I will not share here on these pages.

But many of them, I believe, may just be goals that can inspire others to make their own improvements.

Fluffy Girl started out to be a place for me to put my frustrations with my own food addiction. A place to lay it all out and try to make sense of it. But it turned into so much more. I just let it run its course and it took me on a journey of discovery.

I discovered who I don't want to be any more.

Most people, when they see me, see the fat, self deprecating clown. Always trying to beat you to the punch...making jokes about the size of my butt. If they look a little deeper, they will see someone who tries to be current with style and fashion (as current as a woman of size can be) and showers daily. I take care of my teeth and use sunscreen...I haven't let myself go, completely.

But, for a long time now, I've been phoning it in-doing the absolute minimum to make myself "presentable". Obesity not withstanding.

This all sounds so very superficial and, at first, it was.

But then some things started to happen. The knee pain was one of the most noticeable to me. And the swollen feet. I could just about make it through my work day. My feet would look like Macy's balloons by the end of the day. And my ankles looked like they had donuts around them. The shortness of breath was very scary. But then I got used to it. I never got used to the permanent wheeze. The back pain and the neck pain and the joint pain from the strain of packing on the pounds was beginning to take it's toll. My skin looked dull. My hair was thinning. And a lovely side effect of the weight gain that I blamed on hormones was profuse sweating. I have always been a warm person but this was out of control. I used hot flashes as my excuse.

Shortly after the holidays, I had two bouts of illness. The first resulted in terrible cough that lingered for weeks. Then, just as the cough was finally getting better, I had another go and spent three days on the couch crying and moaning.

When I went back to work I was still sweating and dizzy. At one point, I thought I was finally having my heart attack.

Two days later, something inside of me snapped and I realized that I did not want to go down this way. I don't want to be unrealistic and expect to look like a swimsuit model. I've done a lot of damage over the years and even if I was one to go for it, surgery couldn't even fix it all.

But this thing inside of me that clicked into place helped me to decide. It is time to confront my relationship with food and weight gain. I have lost weight numerous times. Substantial amounts. 50, 60, 100, 85 pounds. I have never kept it off for more than a few years and when I gain it back, I end up weighing more than I ever have.

Which is where I am now. Well, five weeks ago, anyway.

I am on week six of a new way of thinking about weight loss and food in general. I have decided to eat whole and clean foods. I am trying to avoid processed foods. I am avoiding take out food of all kinds. I have not had a soda, diet or otherwise, in five weeks. I don't miss the bad stuff. I have replaced it with good stuff.

I finally realize that my relationship with food and what I used food for, was killing me. I need to use food to keep me sustained and I can even eat food that I enjoy and gives me comfort. But those foods don't have to be unhealthy and bad for me. I don't want to go to crazy extremes but the more healthy nutrition I put into my body, the better I am feeling. I have embraced some strange things like goji berries, flax seed, quinoa and kale!

And, so far, it has never felt like a struggle. I am enjoying cooking again. I am no longer a puddle just from standing in line at the bank. I can breathe and my clothes are getting looser.

I have decided not to weigh myself because I don't care where I was. And I don't want to put a number on my goal. That sends the wrong signals to my brain that when I reach that number I will be "finished" with this "diet". This is not a diet. This is a complete lifestyle change. I will be 50 in two short years. I want to be a "young" 50! I want to keep these changes in place forever.

That's not saying that I will never have a "real" cookie or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. But when I do, it won't be my undoing.

I am fortunate to have great friends that support me and I know my
Angel has her hand on my back.

Fluffy Girl 2.0 is going to be the place for me to put my progress, struggles, and maybe some helpful hints along the way! And recipes too.

Baby steps...