"Same Auld Lang Syne..."

Well, it's here again. Another year over. If I may quote John Lennon. 


I always try to go with my mother's philosophy that if something is ending, something is also beginning. 


So 2011 is over but 2012 is just about to begin. 


As the years fly by and melt into each other, I find myself getting more and more anxious over the passage of time. As time passes, I realize that my mother was right "The older you get, the faster it goes." I used to hate admitting that my mother was right about anything. But time passed and she's gone so now I don't mind so much.


I looked up the meaning of Auld Lang Syne even though I already knew it. There are several translations. It's Sottish and it means "old long since". But that's literal and you can't take everything literally. It is also said to mean "for old times' sake" or "old times" or "days gone by" or, in the case of When Harry Met Sally, as Harry wonders what the lyrics mean, Sally says, "maybe it means we're supposed to remember that we forgot them. Anyway, it's about old friends!"


In my lifetime, I have been very blessed to have some amazing friends. I have my girls who have carried me through all the big stuff-love, loss, marriage, death. Then there is the surrounding support group. The people I don't see often but we don't hold grudges if we haven't seen each other for a long time.(Well, I don't, anyway.)  If I needed them, they'd be there. I have my "new" friends, most of whom I've known for ten years or longer. At this time of year, I think of all of them. Especially now because, as a caregiver, my time is so limited. 


I love to look back and remember all the fun and all the laughter. I try to put aside the bad times. Most of the really bad times were not so bad in hindsight. I'm not talking life and death bad, I'm talking your run-of-the mill parents split up, money trouble, speeding ticket stuff. Nothing was ever as bad as it seemed if I could just call one of them and we'd end up laughing about something else. I remember the parties and the walks and the outings and the shopping trips and the break-ups and the engagements and the pregnancy announcements!! 


Whole days spent at the beach. A whole week spent out of the sun due to sun poisoning. Ski trips. Camping trips. Great Adventure with me holding everyone's stuff because I was too afraid to go on giant roller coasters. We bolstered each other and held each other up. We also made fun of each other in that easy way that friends have. Endless dinners and get-togethers...No excuses needed.


I am so blessed to say that so many of these people are still in my life. We make new memories every time we are together. These days, that is not nearly enough!


We all get busy with our own stuff. We all get caught up in our own dramas (small and large). We all turn around and can't believe that another year has passed us by and we haven't gotten together.


At this time of year, especially, I am feeling the time pass all too quickly.

I wish I had the ability to savor every moment. I don't. It goes by and I realize that I've missed something. Something important. But, I don't have the time to stop and think about it.

Truth is, I don't make the time. None of us do.

When was the last time you sat with your siblings or cousins or Aunts or friends and laughed? I mean really laughed? Laughed with your stomach muscles?Laughed with your head? Laughed with your whole heart? Laughter is so under-rated!

I spend a lot of time crying these days and longing for what could have been. Longing for what can never be. I wish that I could turn back the clocks and the calendars and get some of those precious things back. Some of the things we don't even realize we are missing. In some cases, it could be an old friend. Or it could be a game we played as a child.  Or hair. Or a candy they don't make anymore. A favorite pet. A parent. I would have eaten more veggies and learned to like exercising. I would have started a family at a much younger age. But it's all spilled milk, isn't it? The proverbial water under the bridge.

All we can do as time marches by is join the parade. We need to find the joy in the little things. We need to laugh more. We need to take time to be still and have a conversation with God or whatever it is we believe in. We need to watch the sunsets and the sunrises. We need to spend time with the people we love. They leave us much too quickly! We need to always be learning new things and staying informed about our world. We need to show compassion to others less fortunate than ourselves.

We need to take this year of 2012 and make it ours. For better or worse. It's all we get. Just this year. Just this day. Just this hour. Just this moment. This is our life and we don't do it any justice by wishing for something else.

So to all my "old acquaintance" I've forgotten to remember and the ones I've remembered, I wish you a year that is filled with joy and pain, love and sorrow, laughter and tears. It's the same "Auld Lang Syne", my friends. It can't all be perfection, but it can be beautiful. 



My journey of faith has taken many twists and turns this past year and I have learned that there are forces much bigger than I  running this show called "Life" and so I need to put some faith in those forces that it will all turn out as it should. 

I hope we can all find some joy, peace, love, and prosperity this year. And hopefully these things will balance out whatever else the fates have in store.

"God bless us, every one." Happy New Year!

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day...

Well, it's all over but the countdown.

This is the worst part for me. Accepting the inevitable. It makes me kind of sad and very melancholy. I wish that I had savored it more or taken more time to notice the lights on every one's houses. I wish that I had seen just one more holiday movie.

I saw a tree out by the sidewalk already and it made me realize how fleeting it all is. The Hallmark Channel is already hawking its Valentine's Day movies! No one ever says "I wish it could be Valentine's Day every day!" do they?

I know no one is really reading this blog. I see people searching and it makes me realize that one of my titles can be terribly misconstrued. But I won't change it on the off chance some sex addict is perusing the Internet and finds that there can be things of substance on the Internet that are not about sex.

That being said, I am here feeling my usual post-holiday blues and trying to tell myself that that's all it is. I am trying to convince myself that I am not just having a little holiday pity party for myself.

I don't believe me.

A bit of rambling today. Sorry, dear readers and sex addicts. It cannot be helped.

Another sure sign that the holidays are drawing to a close is the annual "Join Free" Weight Watchers ad and all the others on television. In fact, as I was typing that, Jennifer Hudson was on TV as two people-the fluffy Jennifer and the thin Jennifer.

I don't want to bust her bubble, but I'd love to see the future Jennifer so I could know if she could keep the weight off! I know I couldn't. Oprah couldn't. Al Roker had surgery and he still struggles! Kirsty Allie. Has anyone seen her recently. Curious to see if she has managed to keep the weight off since DWTS.

How will I begin 2012? When I was in high school, the 21st century seemed so far away. If it ever came at all...now, we are more than ten years into it! How did that happen?

John Lennon hit the proverbial nail when he said "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans..." But I didn't think I would turn around and see so much behind me...joy, pain, heartbreak, fear, death, birth! It all happens so quickly. Like a montage in a movie. And even though it looks like it's in slow motion, it's careening past at breakneck speed. It's running right over me!

I hold onto Christmas longer than most people. I keep it playing in my car. I keep watching the DVDs, I keep lighting my lights. Well past what most would deem acceptable. But, Christmas is a season to me and I need to keep it going for at least two more weeks. That's when the wise men came. That's when I might be ready to let it go.

I always thought Jewish people were so lucky because their holiday lasted eight days but then I found out the truth. Most people spend the festival of lights like any other day. It's more of an observed day rather than a high holy day. And they get eight gifts but they are usually seven smaller gifts like dreidls and candies.

I guess I can do whatever I want with Christmas. I have no children who will be confused by the strange and bizarre ritual of lighting the tree until it's time to take it down (and even past that!).

So I will go back into my lovely and beautifully decorated living room and take off my glasses and look at my tree for another half hour tonight. Each Christmas I spend needs a little savoring. Even if it is after the fact.

So Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

P.S. It sounds like I'm giving Oprah a bad rap as far as weight-loss goes. I give her props for putting it out there the way she does. And for being brave enough to face the world even when she fails. And she still looks pretty good and seems to maintaining her weight fairly well even with the gain. Kudos to you, O!

Don't Wish it Away

For much of the day today, I kept having the feeling it was Thursday.

Being in such a panicked state as I am during the holiday crunch, it was really beginning put a strain on what little composure I have left.

When I realized that it was not  Wednesday, I couldn't help but rejoice that I still had two more whole days to get it all done!

Upon talking to my clients today and during holiday times in general, I hear so many people complaining and moaning about how much they still have to do, how tired they are, how it's so not worth it for one day of the year, yadda yadda yadda...

Then what exactly is the point? Why are you putting yourself through it? Nobody's twisting your arm. Nobody's got a gun to your head saying "Be merry or I'll shoot ya where ya stand!" Nothing terrible will happen to you if you don't do it all, will it?

People, what's with the negative holiday vibes??? You're all missing the point of the season.

That's right. It's a SEASON! It lasts from Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. Approximately six week of our lives to do something nice for others. To make charitable contributions. To sit with our loved ones and enjoy their company.To have an excuse to eat crap all day long!

You are not alone if you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted, impatient, even a little bit sad. We all feel that way during this time of year. But, I think we all need to sit down and re-examine why we participate.

I began doing the whole Holiday Madness thing when I was pretty young. I got caught up in my mother's holiday planning for the holidays. She cooked, baked, shopped and wrapped until she could barely walk. I can't help but wonder what her motivation was.

If I had to guess, I would say that she liked the attention. But I would like to add that she really did love bringing everyone together from all different places in her life. My father always came on Christmas even though they had been separated for years. Neighbors from our apartment complex would stop by. Tons of family-first and second cousins and great aunts and uncles. And my aunt's ex-husband's family. And the stranger on the corner! Fifty or sixty of her closest friends and relatives and if you had a perfect stranger tagging along, the more the merrier!

I think back in the day and today, the motivation is and was the same. We cook and bake and shop and wrap and decorate and wear ourselves out and wear our nerves down to the nub! Why? Because it's Christmas time! What? It's Christmas time. And that's what we do.

The kids haven't changed all that much. The gifts have changed but kids are still kids.  Babies are always more interested in the box. Toddlers will put anything in their mouths. Pre-tweens and tweens want bigger, more expensive gifts but they also still desperately cling to the belief that Santa will bring them that one, elusive gift they didnt' tell anyone about. Older kids want gift cards and college kids and grads want cash.

We think they've changed because we've changed. We've become jaded and cynical and grumpy and impatient. So everything seems different! But, it's really still the same as it's always been.

The lights are still magical. We just need to look at them in a different way. Santa still brings the presents and fills the stockings. We just need to believe a little harder. The beautiful stories of what the true meaning of the season is all around us. It's there! Just look harder. Don't be so cynical. So what if the snow is made of cheese and the trees are artificial? So what if it hardly ever snows on Christmas? So what if you don't believe in God or Jehovah or Abraham? So what if you don't really understand what Kwanzaa is all about? So what if you are skeptical that a small amount of oil could have burned for eight days? So what if your ancestors celebrated the Winter Solstice with Pagan worship?

Why can't we all just embrace the holiday season for what it is instead of sitting down and saying "I just can't wait until it's over"?

I saw tens of thousands of people and thousands upon thousands of uniformed police officers come to my tiny village to bid farewell to a fallen hero this week. I know that won't bring this man back for his family but what an amazing sign of hope and good will that all these people, strangers mostly, came to say "Goodbye." They came together and raised money for this man's family.

And so many others are facing tragedies in their lives today. Bad things don't stop happening because it's the holidays. But good things happen more often during this time of year.

People donate, food and coats and money to help people they've never met. They buy an unwrapped toy and donate it while they're shopping.  They send letters to servicemen overseas. They visit home bound people so they won't be alone. They give of themselves. They give their time, their food, their money...all to help people less fortunate. Charitable donations go up around the holidays for a reason...it's the spirit of the season! It's not about cooking six lasagnas, un-knotting fifty-gazillion lights, shopping 'til you drop, baking cookies, lighting candles and opening presents.


It's about finding joy in the simplest things. It's about being generous and kind even when it's nine thousand degrees and the cashier at Macy's is 100 years old! It's about finding your grace.



Don't wish the season away. It all goes too quickly anyway. It's not a root canal. It doesn't have to be so painful!

There is a message of hope and joy and peace in this season. You just need to look a little harder. But it's there. It's inside you!

I wish you, dear reader (both of you), a happy holiday, happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa and so on and so forth...May peace, joy, and love fill your hearts. 

"Get Me Back, Clarence..."

And so, through the help of trained professionals, I am back online and no longer at the mercy of blogging at a foreign computer.

Maybe I'm just not ready for a Mac.

Anyway...Not having that connection forced me to find other ways to spend my time. Not that I spend all that much time on my computer...usually late at night or just before work...but I have to say, I did miss the connection. Literally and figuratively.

Now that we have Facebook and other social networks, I find myself not emailing as many people as I used to. Not really instant messaging anymore either. Although, sometimes I do on the social networks. But those types of connections kept me connected to my family and friends who don't live in my general area. Also kept me abreast of dramas going with friends and family. Or even good happenings like engagements and pregnancies.

My life choices right now don't offer me a lot of free time to keep in touch with people like I have in the past. Even with the social networks, I still don't talk with long distance friends and family nearly as often as I would like. At least with my Internet connection, I was able to at least keep up if not speak directly to all the people in my life.

Now that the holidays are nearly upon us, I crave that connection even more.

I had a very narrow window of time to get everything done and I was feeling very overwhelmed the past week or so. Especially since I couldn't get instant gratification by checking my bills or reading an email or Christmas shopping online. 

However, there is something to be said for the solitude of being disconnected. And by disconnected, I mean completely connected by my old 3G iPhone and the use of my friend's and sister's Macs.

I was definitely less distracted by wanting to update my status or check my email or poke somebody! There were times, in the past two days, where I actually accomplished multiple things in one afternoon! I truly believe that the Internet has given me a mild case of ADD.

For a few weeks, I had a chance to see what my life would be like without the Internet in it. My Clarence was a man named John who was exceedingly helpful and even said that this was a good machine and I don't really need a mac. (Doesn't stop me from wanting one) Or maybe he just said that because I paid him.

I have been so very busy the past couple of days and I still have so much more to do. But I will just trudge along and try to stay focused. But first I have to go update my status!

I've Been Up, Down, Tryin' To Get the Spirit Again...

At this time of year, more than others, we are all called to find the spirit of the season.


Back in Victorian times, it was common to tell ghost stories on Christmas Eve. Hence, the story of Ebeneezer Scrooge, I suppose. 


Is that where the term "Christmas spirit" originated?


Scrooge was living a life of greed and selfishness. He had become hardened to any kind of charitable deed. He felt that people should learn to help themselves and not count on charity for their daily bread. Good old Ebeneezer felt that he worked hard and sacrificed for his fortune and so should everyone else.


At that time in history, it was a very similar economic situation to what we have now. There was the wealthy, upper-class and the poor. The extremely poor  families were relegated to what they called "work-houses" which kept the homeless off the streets. But the streets were most likely safer. There was filth, dysentery and illness running rampant in the work-houses. And these places, along with orphanages, were all kept running through the charity of strangers. There was not an over-abundance of good will in Victorian times. 


Nowadays, it seems that people are either extremely wealthy or not. I am in the "NOT" category. There doesn't seem to be much of a middle class anymore. Those friends of mine that are in the so-called "middle" are actually families that are taking in about double what my husband and I earn together. I used to consider them well-to-do. And those people are feeling the crunch and cutting back too. Just like in the time of Scrooge, the less fortunate are forced to call upon the kindness of strangers.


I know that there are people out there who are just smart about money and know how to save and get by with as little as possible. There are tons of people who shop in the discount stores and border on extreme couponers. But, it is really beginning to frighten me how many people; families and couples with two full-time incomes plus a part-time job or two; are they are struggling to find the funds for life's little extras! 


Extras like Christmas.


So, without really having much saved for my holiday shopping, I am hard-pressed for the extras of donating to my usual charities. All I've managed so far is to donate some groceries to some scouts outside my super-market when I was shopping for my Thanksgiving dinner and some canned goods to the church food pantry.


Even my Sunday donations to my church have been a little on the paltry side. I'm so afraid to spend the money on anything extra because I want to make sure I have enough...enough for what? How do we even know what "enough" is?


Last week, I was home sick and I wanted to make some chicken soup. I went to the store and bought some chicken, a bunch of celery, a bunch of carrots, canned broth, and grated cheese. That cost me $40! I had soup every day for the next four days but was it worth that money? I could have bought several cans and it still would have cost me less. When did prepared food become more economical than cooking your own? What the heck???


Since giving is, in my mind, all wrapped up with my holiday spirit, I am truly finding it very difficult to find my motivation this season. I know it shouldn't be that important to me, but it is. Giving gives me joy. How will it all turn out if I don't find the spirit? And why does spirit have to have a dollar sign attached to it? Even if I went the so-called home-made route, it still costs money. And the whole lotto thing doesn't seem to be working out for me!


So this season, I am in search of my spirit. Every once in awhile, I get the feeling but then I look at reality and wonder if it was just agita.

Holiday Madness

Nothing tightens my colon more than the Holiday Rush!


I spend hours trying to figure out how to get all the bills paid and still find a little leftover for the small amount of shopping I need to do.


I just paid a boatload of bills and am hoping that it all works out in the end so I can pay my rent by next Friday and still get an outfit for my work Christmas party that weekend!


I don't know how we do it. We, all of us, have crazy, chaotic lives and are dealing with a less than stellar economy and yet we all find the time and the finances to get it done. 


OK. Maybe my electric bill will have to go one more month and maybe I'll have to cut back on my cookies. But, there will be cookies and gifts and food galore.


And the time? Where does the time come from? It's like we pull it out of thin air!


Those of you who have children and live by their schedules will somehow manage to squeeze in all that shopping and baking and decorating. 


Those who work seventy five hours a week will also find the time to make merry.


I remember my mother saying that when it got to be too difficult and she didn't enjoy it anymore, she would stop all the extras. Unfortunately, she never got a choice in the matter. Her tired heart gave out before her Christmas spirit did!


Last week, when I was sick and feeling sorry for myself (I still am, by the way), I thought for a few days that I wouldn't do it this year. Someone else was going to have to get it all done. No cookies. No shopping except for immediate family and my best friend's son. No decorating. No marathon gift wrap on Christmas Eve. I'd hardly be home to enjoy it anyway.


Then I started thinking about my mother. How, in spite of impossible handicaps and situations, Christmas always came. Every year. When we were flat broke, she still found a way to get the gifts under the tree and feed fifty or sixty of her closest friends and relatives. When she was weeks and weeks in the hospital, she found a way to always keep the spirit of the holidays. 


I think that's why I love Christmas so much. I think that's why it was so hard for me to not feel that spirit. Her spirit. A part of my mother is still alive in me. It wouldn't be fair to her memory to just let a holiday pass me by without celebrating. No matter what is going on with me personally. 


I will fake it 'til I make it this year and eventually, the spirit will find me and I'll see the magic again. I hope it's soon. Only twenty three days!


Oh, crap! What am I doing here? I have a ton of shopping to do!!!