"Love is a Battlefield"

So I hear language bandied about where fitness and weight loss are concerned and I am afraid that I am going to have to use some of it.

These past two weeks I have experienced my first struggle with my whole new lifestyle.

I am not really struggling too badly, but I definitely feel off my game and can totally see where it could all go awry.

We get to that place I like to call the "safe" zone. For me, it is a place where I begin to feel comfortable in my own skin again. People tell me how great I look and I forget that it is just comparatively speaking.

While I am sure that I have achieved a significant amount of weight loss (I have not yet gotten on the scale), I sometimes forget that I have not reached my goal of achieving wellness by only putting healthful things into my body and keeping active. I almost forgot that I am still, well, fat. I am not "well" yet. I am only better.

I hear so many people say phrases like "always a struggle" or "battling my weight" or other negative, self-defeating language. Up until now, it has not really been much of a struggle for me. I have been consistently able to eat right and keep moving and motivate myself and lose weight. When people say "what diet are you following?" I say I am not on a diet. I just changed everything.

And I did. But I forgot about the traps that have been preset by my sub-conscious to sabotage me along the way. I forgot about complacency, the power of positive reinforcement, the wicked, wicked appeal of a nightly cocktail.

My "struggles" have not really been all that difficult but I used them to ensnare myself in a net of negativity. It's strange how people telling me that they notice that I've lost weight or that I look "great" can be considered a negative in my world but it leads me down a dark path of wrong-thinking: thinking that I look "great" can lead me to think that I can slack off a little. But this is not something to slack off on. I am trying to reverse years of damage and trauma that I have put my body through by carrying all that excess weight.

I came to this realization a few days ago when I heard someone say that it is a never-ending battle to lose weight and be healthy.  It doesn't have to be. I don't want to fight anymore.

I don't want to be too big to fit into chairs with arms anymore. I don't want to have to shop only at "plus size" specialty stores anymore. I don't want to have to worry if the step ladder will hold me when I clean my station at work. That's the real hard stuff. Holding up three hundred pounds every day is the battle. The changing? That's the easy part. But I forgot that for a few days and I let it get to me.

I did not binge eat or suddenly start eating McDonald's and Taco Bell again. I did, however, over-indulge in some of my go-to healthier snacks and get a little lazy in my routine. I did not exercise for nearly two whole weeks.I was not cooking for myself every day. I was not keeping track of little snacks here and there. And I could feel the pull taking hold of me. So I didn't fight it.

I called it what it was-a temporary lapse-and I am moving on.

I don't want to ever look at this life I am choosing to live as a fight or a battle. I only want to stay on my course and do what is best for me.

I could blame the heat for my lack of motivation. But I'd be kidding myself. I fell into a slight depression and now I am climbing out of it.

My sister is doing something similar with her life and she has begun inspiring me. I am going to try to use some visualization techniques to get me over this rough spot. I am envisioning my healthier, happier me and it has seemed to light a bit of a fire under me. Don't get me wrong, I still procrastinated much of my day away and am writing this at almost two in the morning. But I definitely feel the wheels turning again.

I am not waging war on food and fat. I am not fighting the battle of the bulge. I am simply going back to the beginning when it was going right and I am moving on from here.

Who's with me?

"You're sixteen, you're beautiful and you're mine"

So, lately I have been doing a lot of talking at work about my new healthy lifestyle. I feel almost like a broken record when I give my speeches about my food extracting, my healthy cooking, eating whole organic and clean,  how easy it is etc.

But, yesterday I was talking to a woman who has had the same lifelong struggle with weight and she asked me what most people seem to want to know: "How much weight have you lost?"

I have no idea. While it's clear that the amount is significant enough for people to be noticing, I am sorry to say I don't know. A lot of people are more concerned with the pounds coming off or how much fat they are eating or how many carbs are in that banana.

I try to stress to them that it is a lifestyle change and not a diet. That I am not going to set weight loss targets and and a final goal. I want to sustain good health for however long I am going to live on this great planet of ours.  

I set out to figure out why I struggle with food, to learn about my relationship with eating. I wanted to address all my triggers and why I would always gain the weight back. I wanted to figure out why I became a compulsive eater in the first place.

I have taken a long hard look at all of those things. And while I don't, and may never, have all they answers as to why food was my way through stress and grief, I now know that there is another way to use food.

I have done numerous weight loss programs and all I concerned myself with was eating however many calories, points, fat grams, or carbs were allowed on these "diets". I have learned much from these programs including what not to do. I have also learned that I had so many tools already and never knew how to use them.

I am not a vegan. I am not a total raw food freak. I am not only going to eat what has fallen on the ground for fear of hurting the plant or tree from which it came! But I do care what I put into my body.

Does this mean I will never again have a burger from a drive-thru? Most likely, yes. Does it mean I will never have ice cream or cookies or chocolate or pizza? Not on your life!

There are many alternatives to fast food and junk food. I still have chips and salsa. I still have cheese. I even have beef once in a blue moon. I dine out. I visit friends. I go to social functions. And, in all of these instances, I choose things that are most like what I would make at home. Yes, the chips are most likely multi-grain and organic and I might order something without some of the sauces and glazes. I make my own salad dressing. It's not that hard to do.

I reached a couple of landmarks this week and I am quite proud of both.

Tomorrow will start week number seventeen of eating healthy and taking care of myself. When I belonged to Weight Watchers, they had started something where, after sixteen weeks, you received a key chain that said "sweet sixteen". Behavioral professionals believe that if you can change a behavior for sixteen weeks, the new behavior you replaced the bad one with becomes a new habit. So you absolutely can teach an old dog new tricks!

There is still a long road ahead of me to get this battered body of mine back into shape and there is much learning on my part that still needs to take place. But I know in my bones that this is the right path for me. It's not for everyone. Lots of people can maintain good health and weight and still have the occasional Big Mac or ice cream sundae. They don't need to pre-think each morsel they ingest. But food has been my go to drug for so long that I have to continue to be wary of going back to my old way of thinking which was, when it came to food, not much thinking at all. I drove past a fast food drive-thru yesterday as a short cut and I realized that aside from maybe the actual taste of some of the food, I don't miss those super sized meals one bit. There are so many tastes that I am discovering that are way more satisfying and will lead me to better health.

My other landmark was fitting into ten pairs of pants that have been sitting in my closet for a few years. Some of them were almost brand new! When I began this whole journey, I was busting out of a size and could have gone up and the pants would have fit fine (maybe slightly loose). Now,I am squeezing into some that are three full sizes down. I won't wear those yet. Maybe in a couple of weeks. And, although I'll hold on to them a bit longer, I will be donating some of my "fatter" pants eventually.

I set out to make myself healthier. I think I am achieving that, more so each week. I knew that I needed to lose weight. DUH! But, I did not start out with that specific goal in mind. It has been a wonderful by-product of changing everything!

There's a weight loss product commercial on TV that says "Want big pants?" My response has always been "I already have big pants! That's my problem!" But I guess I forgot that I also had smaller pants that were just waiting for my ass to get smaller (and, maybe a little smarter)!

Treat or Treat

Today is Halloween. All the little Ninjas and Princesses and ghosts and goblins are taking to the streets. They are ringing the bell and begging for treats. They don't even say "Trick or treat" anymore. They just open their bags and wait. When I ask "What do you say?" they usually say "Thank you". I'm considering only giving Skittles and keeping all the chocolate!

And so begins the season of eating.

It is the time of year that fluffy people either dread or long for.

The weather is colder and we can wear bulkier clothes and cover up more. We can also place the blame for looking larger on those clothes.

We can stay indoors and have an excuse for being a couch potato.

It's also the time of year when we have excuses for over-eating.

I waited on purpose this year to buy my candy and the ingredients for my annual "Ghosts in the Graveyard" dessert I make every year for my co-workers. I knew that those packages of Oreos would not be safe. Instead, I purchased everything on Thursday evening of last week. By the time my husband got home from work, I had eaten about 5 "Fun Size" Almond Joys while making grilled cheese sandwiches (and sampling the cheese, of course!) and tomato soup for dinner. (Including Cheez-its for the soup!) (Don't look at me like that! They were "Reduced Fat"!)

I was beyond full and still ate all my dinner. (And a couple/three/four more Almond Joys. Hey, sometimes you feel like a nut!)

The eating season has begun. (As if I need a reason!) 

It's all downhill from here. First, it's the Halloween candy. Next thing you know, it's time to have pumpkin muffins and cinnamon lattes! Then pies and turkey and gravy and stuffing and sweet potatoes. As if it isn't hard enough all the time for a compulsive eater to try to do the right thing. Now they make everything look so festive and appetizing. I don't have a chance of keeping my eating under control!

Well, let's face it. I wasn't really making much of an effort.

At this time of year, I begin to dread it all. It's a love/hate relationship. I love the holidays. I hate the holidays.

I love decorating and prepping and cooking and baking and cleaning and shopping. I really do love it. That's why I hate it.

I hate that I love spending all that money and time I don't have getting it all done.

This year, money and time are an even more rare commodity in my life. And, as I am sure you surmised by previous posts, I don't exactly have my shit together!

Let's face it, even the most organized person can be worn down to the nub by holiday preparation! And, of late, I am anything but organized.

But I will make my lists and spend money I don't have and somehow manage to get it done and on New Year's Eve I'll turn around and wonder if I had a good time over the holidays.

And it's only November 1st!

Does My Ass Look Like THAT??

     
      I find myself asking that question. A lot. I see someone walking down the street or in a super market or on line at McDonald's and I wonder if people perceive me that way.
      I never used to compare my butt to someone else's but now I find it necessary so I can keep my sanity. It's as if, so long as someone out there has a bigger butt than I do, I'm not too fat. Right???
    Do only fluffy people do this? Do only women do it? I wish I knew.
      I  also find myself justifying my weight and telling myself "It's ok. You have so much going on in your life." I find people that know and love me also do the same thing.
      I often wonder if they think what I think when I haven't seen someone in a long time and they put on a lot of weight: "Wow! She got fat!"
      To my face they say things like "You are always beautiful to me" or the infamous "I don't see you that way!"
     I also find myself starting a diet or eating program in my head and planning a morning walk. I do that several times a day! But it always just stays in my head.
     I am away from my house seven days a week. (This looks like it will be the excuse portion of this post.) I sometimes have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to be at a sick friend's house where I help out with her care. And I never know my schedule there from day to day. Sometimes I know the night before and sometimes I find out a few hours before I am needed.
     At work, I am on my feet most of the day. No easy task holding all this up all day long! I have tendonitis in one foot, heel spurs in both feet and a sciatic nerve that LOVES acting up! (Did that sound excuse-y?)
     Most of these conditions are caused by the weight. But they also make it difficult to get rid of the weight. (Excuse)
     I tried having food on hand that I can grab on the go but I don't think of it at 4 a.m. Maybe I don't choose to think of it.(And another. Seeing a pattern!)
     I have been down this road before. Packing on excess weight that hobbles me by the time I walk in the door. It helps keep people at a distance.
     I have tried to "find balance" and "make time" but the truth is, there is no balance and there is no time.
     There is just a crappy situation and a crappy schedule and very little that can be done about it.
     But that doesn't mean that there is nothing I can do about it. It's crappy but not impossible.
     I am always motivated when I start my days but, by the time I get home from wherever I was that day, I find myself unable to even bring in the mail!
     I've lost more than two hundred and fifty pounds in my lifetime. Not all at once, of course. Lose weight. Gain weight. Lose weight. Usually in a smart way eating right and exercising (once I lost 40 lbs on a crash diet but I was 16) and I never have a problem losing it when I am really trying. The problem is getting started.
     I started to blog because I love to write and I need an outlet for a lot of issues in my life that are beyond my control. But weight? Weight feels like something I should be able to control. And I have in the past. It also feels like something I should write about.
     So this blog will be about weight. Having it in excess makes me a bit of an expert, don't you think? Sometimes it will be funny and sometimes it will be depressing but maybe putting some of it down here will lighten my physical and mental load.