Does My Ass Look Like THAT??

     
      I find myself asking that question. A lot. I see someone walking down the street or in a super market or on line at McDonald's and I wonder if people perceive me that way.
      I never used to compare my butt to someone else's but now I find it necessary so I can keep my sanity. It's as if, so long as someone out there has a bigger butt than I do, I'm not too fat. Right???
    Do only fluffy people do this? Do only women do it? I wish I knew.
      I  also find myself justifying my weight and telling myself "It's ok. You have so much going on in your life." I find people that know and love me also do the same thing.
      I often wonder if they think what I think when I haven't seen someone in a long time and they put on a lot of weight: "Wow! She got fat!"
      To my face they say things like "You are always beautiful to me" or the infamous "I don't see you that way!"
     I also find myself starting a diet or eating program in my head and planning a morning walk. I do that several times a day! But it always just stays in my head.
     I am away from my house seven days a week. (This looks like it will be the excuse portion of this post.) I sometimes have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to be at a sick friend's house where I help out with her care. And I never know my schedule there from day to day. Sometimes I know the night before and sometimes I find out a few hours before I am needed.
     At work, I am on my feet most of the day. No easy task holding all this up all day long! I have tendonitis in one foot, heel spurs in both feet and a sciatic nerve that LOVES acting up! (Did that sound excuse-y?)
     Most of these conditions are caused by the weight. But they also make it difficult to get rid of the weight. (Excuse)
     I tried having food on hand that I can grab on the go but I don't think of it at 4 a.m. Maybe I don't choose to think of it.(And another. Seeing a pattern!)
     I have been down this road before. Packing on excess weight that hobbles me by the time I walk in the door. It helps keep people at a distance.
     I have tried to "find balance" and "make time" but the truth is, there is no balance and there is no time.
     There is just a crappy situation and a crappy schedule and very little that can be done about it.
     But that doesn't mean that there is nothing I can do about it. It's crappy but not impossible.
     I am always motivated when I start my days but, by the time I get home from wherever I was that day, I find myself unable to even bring in the mail!
     I've lost more than two hundred and fifty pounds in my lifetime. Not all at once, of course. Lose weight. Gain weight. Lose weight. Usually in a smart way eating right and exercising (once I lost 40 lbs on a crash diet but I was 16) and I never have a problem losing it when I am really trying. The problem is getting started.
     I started to blog because I love to write and I need an outlet for a lot of issues in my life that are beyond my control. But weight? Weight feels like something I should be able to control. And I have in the past. It also feels like something I should write about.
     So this blog will be about weight. Having it in excess makes me a bit of an expert, don't you think? Sometimes it will be funny and sometimes it will be depressing but maybe putting some of it down here will lighten my physical and mental load.