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Well, it seems that Spring has fallen a little flat this year. I had set specific goals that never really came to fruition. I blame the groundhog.

Every year I watch that little bugger and this year was no different. I waited while a bunch of silly men and women stood around on a cold, February morning and put my faith in a-is the groundhog a rodent?-well, whatever he is, I put my faith and trust in him when they all proclaimed (with an actual proclamation) that Spring would arrive early this year.

I usually don't put much stock in any of that. Spring comes on March 20th whether the weather cooperates or not! But this year has been an exceptionally cold and nasty winter and I guess I wanted it to be true.

It's not.

There is snow in the forecast for Monday.

I will not be deterred. I will not let these gray days bring me down!

This healthy lifestyle of mine is going to get me through even if Spring doesn't come until May! (God forbid!)

Now that the weather report is out of the way, I would like to share one of my goals that I will begin working on in the coming weeks.

I am going to start training for a 5K. I may end up only walking it and I will be fine with that but I will be starting a modified couch to 5K program in the next couple of weeks.

My attempts at exercise over the past couple of weeks have been, at best, falling short of what I expected after eating this way for nearly three months.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I got myself worked up for "better weather". Well, since that may never get here, I need to step up my game and get a move on.

My progress as far as the eating part of this lifestyle change has been fairly steady. People are telling me they notice a difference and a lot of my clothes (from the last two sizes I purchased) are beginning to feel quite roomy. My stamina has been on a steady incline. I feel more focused and more aware of how different I feel when I eat the right foods. I am using my food extractor and "drinking my veggies" which seems to be helping with so many of my issues.

I no longer have knee pain or joint pain. I no longer have a wheeze. My feet no longer look like Macy's Thanksgiving balloons. My skin looks better. I don't seem to run out of breath like I used to while doing the simplest tasks like tying my shoes. I no longer break a sweat just trying to get ready for work. I had ringing in my ears that has subsided considerably. I no longer sweat profusely when doing minor tasks.

I have introduced more organic foods into my diet. I can't wait to hit some farms out East over the summer! Hopefully, the bounty there will be more cost effective than what I can get at the local markets.

As far as some of the other aspects of my lifestyle make-over or do-over or Mulligan-are concerned, I have gotten my house in order clearing out closets and making my kitchen more user-friendly. Even when I am making dinner, I am much more organized.

I find that now I feel like actually have time to breathe once in a great while.

I am working on that.

I am also working on getting more water into the program. When I am busy at work, I find that my water bottle just sits there. The last week, I have been trying to be more aware of it and drink whenever I get the chance.

I am also not so strict in planning my menus. Sometimes, what I planned goes out the window because I ran out of time so I do a lot of off the cuff cooking. Most of the time, it's been a success. I am trying not to buy too much food all at one time. I make two or three trips to different stores during the week and that keeps the foods I am making that much fresher.

As far as nurturing my spirit, I am going to church, meditating, doing a small amount of yoga, and praying as often as I can.

I am still feeling like I could topple over at any time but my balance is getting much better and I feel more and more stable all the time.

This coming month will be all about fitting in the physical part of this journey. If that means I have to walk at the mall because of a freak April blizzard, then so be it.

By the way, the groundhog is a rodent. Ick!

You put your whole self in...

Today I got back on the mat. The Yoga mat.

Years ago, when I was starting yet another stint with Weight Watchers, I decided I would try Yoga. I did and I loved it. But I did it to home videos...I never took a class.

They were very good tapes for beginners and the Yogi, Alan Finger, was very good at explaining it all. It definitely helped me with flexibility and centering me.

The last time I lost weight, I started with the Yoga tapes and a Pilates tape and I even dusted off some Tae Bo videos. That was before I had my dvd player. None of those will work since I no longer have the VCR. So I am trying to follow a TV show. Much harder. It would be much easier to be able to pause or rewind when I miss something because I am focusing all my energy on getting up off the floor. And they don't always show the modified versions of the poses (which I modify even further!) that fluffy gals like me can use. Yoga is a practice where you condition yourself with moves that engage your whole body and you use your own body's resistance to make yourself stronger. Well, this body is verrrry resistant!

I realize that I am much older and much larger than I was the last time. But I want to move. I am not ready for a class. The instructor would end up devoting all her time to me!

In my mind, I feel so much better and so energized that I feel like I can do anything. This morning I was reminded of my limitations. But I stuck with it. I even held some of the standing poses and downward dog for quite a bit longer than I thought I could. I know that I will reach the point where it seems effortless and I won't be holding my breath and scrunching my shoulders.

Honestly? It was the hardest thing I've done so far and at the end of the day I feel a little taller,  a little more powerful, and a lot stronger.

Namaste.

Redux: brought back; revived; resurgent...

I am going to consider this post the first real post in Fluffy Girl 2.0.

I am almost two months into this whole life altering...what should I call this... Program? Nah. Change? Redundant. Redux? YES! I am almost two months into my life-changing redux. It's not a noun but if the film industry can take poetic license so can I.

In the movie Princess Bride, Inigo goes back to the beginning  so that is what I am trying to do.

It all began with my addiction to infomercials. My dear friend was addicted to the same infomercial and she took the plunge first. We both purchased a food extractor which takes fruits and vegetables and breaks them down to a level where, when you ingest the drink, you get all the benefits and nutrients without your body first breaking them down. It's sort of like juicing but it utilizes all the fiber and nutrient-rich skins, seeds and stems (some are poisonous so be careful).

For some reason, I felt I couldn't start any of it without that little kitchen appliance.

I re-vamped my pantry and donated all the processed and unhealthy foods that were taking up space. I went through my spice rack and updated it. I made sure that I had only healthy oils and got rid of much of the stuff I thought would de-rail my efforts.

I re-organized my kitchen so that all the things I would be using were right at my fingertips without me having to run and get the stepladder.

Then I investigated a little bit of what I might need to get started. I went shopping and bought leafy greens, fruits, and lots of chicken breasts.

Week one was easy. I cooked ahead of time and did some slow cooker recipes.

Gradually, I have added a bunch of whole grains, more varieties of leafy greens such as collards, mustard, Swiss chard and even beet greens. I use these in my drinks on a daily basis and also cook many quick and easy meals that are healthy and filling.

I learned that fresh ginger, garlic, and turmeric are some very good and especially beneficial things to add to my cooking and also to my drinks.

I also added some "Super Foods" to my repertoire. I added chia seeds, goji berries, flax seeds, pumpkin seeds, quinoa, wheat berries, a variety of vegetables, nuts and legumes, and coconut oil.

Once I started modifying my diet and cooking my meals in a healthier way, I instantly felt better. I had more energy, my mood improved, and I immediately saw weight loss.

It takes a little time and planning to make sure that I have the right things at the ready. I keep a journal of what I eat in the form of a menu, how much I move, and even a weekly to do list just to keep track. Every week I start with Day One because every week I go back to the beginning.

I have eliminated refined sugar for the most part. I no longer drink diet soda. I was totally addicted to diet cola! I drink one cup of coffee in the morning then I might have de-caf or herbal or green tea. I use stevia, agave and raw honey to make things sweeter. I avoid most white starches. If I have them, it's in small quantities no more than two times a week.

I drink mostly water and sometimes I use the Soda Stream my sister got us for Christmas and have home made seltzer with limes, lemons, apples, cucumbers.

I am a food addict. I am a junk food junkie. I do not miss these foods. Let me say it again. I do not miss these foods. I have replaced them with the real deal. Real food. Real home-cooking.

I don't need to have take-out or drive-thru meals every day. I don't even have cold cuts any more. I do not feel deprived. If I truly want something, like pizza, I will have it in moderation and maybe in a healthier way. Make my own with fresh veggies and whole wheat crust. 

One thing I do miss is chocolate. I have been buying those fancy dark chocolate bars. I make sure they are Organic and have more than fifty percent cacao in them. A little bit satisfies my craving. One bar lasts me a couple of weeks. Sometimes I will have it with berries or raisins or a little all-natural peanut butter.

I am trying to eat mostly clean and whole foods. I try to use organic when I can afford it. Otherwise I look for things that say "all natural" because these are mostly foods that are not grown or raised with hormones.

By brown-bagging my lunch, drinking filtered water, and not buying pre-made meals, I am saving money. I buy fruits that can be frozen when they are on sale such as berries, grapes, bananas, mangoes and pineapples and put them in freezer bags. It makes my smoothies nice and cold without having to add ice.

When my leafy greens are starting to wilt I make soup or sautee them with beans and spices and add them to my meals.

When summer comes, I will be growing a lot of my own veggies and strawberries in pots on my patio. I am also looking into growing my own sprouts and making my own sprouted breads.

The more I learn about healthier products and switching to whole, clean, organic food, the more I feel like this is a complete lifestyle change.

I am also re-discovering that I am a good cook. There have been a few recipes I made and wondered what I was thinking. But, for the most part, I am thoroughly enjoying the time I spend in my kitchen. I don't even mind the clean up!

I am learning. I will not be perfect but I know that whatever comes my way, if I keep putting healthy things into my body, I will feel better able to meet life's challenges. Life is hard anyway. Why not be healthy while your trying to keep it all together.?

Starting Over

Here we go! Careening through another year. I am not usually happy about time passing but I was not at all unhappy to see last year go.

Without sounding too much like I am on the New Year, New Me bandwagon, I decided about five weeks ago to make this a year of permanent change for me.

I have set some major and minor goals to get me on the road to self-improvement. Trust me, there is plenty of room for that in my life.

Some of my goals will be very private and I will not share here on these pages.

But many of them, I believe, may just be goals that can inspire others to make their own improvements.

Fluffy Girl started out to be a place for me to put my frustrations with my own food addiction. A place to lay it all out and try to make sense of it. But it turned into so much more. I just let it run its course and it took me on a journey of discovery.

I discovered who I don't want to be any more.

Most people, when they see me, see the fat, self deprecating clown. Always trying to beat you to the punch...making jokes about the size of my butt. If they look a little deeper, they will see someone who tries to be current with style and fashion (as current as a woman of size can be) and showers daily. I take care of my teeth and use sunscreen...I haven't let myself go, completely.

But, for a long time now, I've been phoning it in-doing the absolute minimum to make myself "presentable". Obesity not withstanding.

This all sounds so very superficial and, at first, it was.

But then some things started to happen. The knee pain was one of the most noticeable to me. And the swollen feet. I could just about make it through my work day. My feet would look like Macy's balloons by the end of the day. And my ankles looked like they had donuts around them. The shortness of breath was very scary. But then I got used to it. I never got used to the permanent wheeze. The back pain and the neck pain and the joint pain from the strain of packing on the pounds was beginning to take it's toll. My skin looked dull. My hair was thinning. And a lovely side effect of the weight gain that I blamed on hormones was profuse sweating. I have always been a warm person but this was out of control. I used hot flashes as my excuse.

Shortly after the holidays, I had two bouts of illness. The first resulted in terrible cough that lingered for weeks. Then, just as the cough was finally getting better, I had another go and spent three days on the couch crying and moaning.

When I went back to work I was still sweating and dizzy. At one point, I thought I was finally having my heart attack.

Two days later, something inside of me snapped and I realized that I did not want to go down this way. I don't want to be unrealistic and expect to look like a swimsuit model. I've done a lot of damage over the years and even if I was one to go for it, surgery couldn't even fix it all.

But this thing inside of me that clicked into place helped me to decide. It is time to confront my relationship with food and weight gain. I have lost weight numerous times. Substantial amounts. 50, 60, 100, 85 pounds. I have never kept it off for more than a few years and when I gain it back, I end up weighing more than I ever have.

Which is where I am now. Well, five weeks ago, anyway.

I am on week six of a new way of thinking about weight loss and food in general. I have decided to eat whole and clean foods. I am trying to avoid processed foods. I am avoiding take out food of all kinds. I have not had a soda, diet or otherwise, in five weeks. I don't miss the bad stuff. I have replaced it with good stuff.

I finally realize that my relationship with food and what I used food for, was killing me. I need to use food to keep me sustained and I can even eat food that I enjoy and gives me comfort. But those foods don't have to be unhealthy and bad for me. I don't want to go to crazy extremes but the more healthy nutrition I put into my body, the better I am feeling. I have embraced some strange things like goji berries, flax seed, quinoa and kale!

And, so far, it has never felt like a struggle. I am enjoying cooking again. I am no longer a puddle just from standing in line at the bank. I can breathe and my clothes are getting looser.

I have decided not to weigh myself because I don't care where I was. And I don't want to put a number on my goal. That sends the wrong signals to my brain that when I reach that number I will be "finished" with this "diet". This is not a diet. This is a complete lifestyle change. I will be 50 in two short years. I want to be a "young" 50! I want to keep these changes in place forever.

That's not saying that I will never have a "real" cookie or a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. But when I do, it won't be my undoing.

I am fortunate to have great friends that support me and I know my
Angel has her hand on my back.

Fluffy Girl 2.0 is going to be the place for me to put my progress, struggles, and maybe some helpful hints along the way! And recipes too.

Baby steps...

For auld lang syne, my dear...

I am fairly certain that I have written these words before regarding the song we sing to ring in the New Year. Forgive and indulge me and perhaps you'll understand why I must be redundant.

It's an old Sottish drinking song about drinking to old friendships and forgiveness for not remembering to drink to ones we didn't remember, I guess.

It's based on a poem by Robert Burns and I think maybe he was drinking a bit when he wrote the words.

2012 is gone and 2013 is here.

Poor 2013.

There has been so much said and written and posted and "liked" that this poor year doesn't have a chance to live up to the expectations pinned upon her!

Everyone sounds so determined...and I guess they do every year...to make this the one that counts. A year of Peace. A year of happiness. A year of change.

The social media networks began on New Year's Eve and haven't stopped into the wee hours of the First Night with quotes and wishes and hopes of this being a healthy, happy, prosperous, glorious, perfect year.

And it will be for some. Perhaps 2012 was that for others. In spite of what may have gone on in my world, last year may have been a perfect year for so many.

I just think we as a culture put so much on what a new year can actually bring.

I am neither a pessimist nor an optimist. I am more of a pragmatist. Good stuff, bad stuff, happiness, sadness, wealth, poverty...can't have one without the other. The glass is neither half full nor half empty. It is just a glass with water in it.

I do pray every year for a peaceful, healthy, prosperous year for me and for my family and friends. But I am realistic and I know that there will be so many things that life can throw at me to make it tip one way or the other.

I try to embrace the mystery of what the year will bring. Instead of looking to the first day of the year to start anew, I try to do that each day. Most of the time, by the time I hit the snooze button, I've forgotten to be grateful for that first breath of awareness. But each night, I try to stay awake long enough to thank God for it.

So Karma just showed up on my radio! Listening to Pandora as I was re-reading this draft I wrote on New Year's Day (it is currently February 15th), the song Same Auld Lang Syne came on! I was re-reading this and contemplating deleting the post since it was from over a month ago and pondering a change in the theme of my blog or starting a different one altogether. I took this as a sign to keep Fluffy Girl right where she is but change her a little bit. Well, maybe a lot. 

My next post will be the beginning of a new chapter for Fluffy Girl. I hope all three of you, dear readers, will join me on my journey. And I will be tweaking the name ever so slightly! Please stay tuned!

 

"It's Coming on Christmas, They're Cutting Down Trees"

It's that special time of year again.

A time of joy, love, peace and good will toward our fellow man.

We look on it with fear and dread.

We long for there to be more hours in the day and more money in our bank accounts.

The children maybe nestled all snug and envisioning sugar plums or whatever,
but the adults are scrambling to get it all done; running on caffeine, fast food and not enough sleep.

We are bombarded with commercials that promise if we shop in a certain store we will be able to accomplish amazing feats of giving, baking, decorating and staying within our budgets.

Images of shiny red luxury vehicles glistening in the snow replete with a huge red ribbon are lighting up our HD TVs. All you need to do is wish and it will be out in your driveway on Christmas morning.

I'm not buying into the hype this year!

I'm trying to keep the true meaning of the holiday season in the forefront of my mind this year. I am trying to remember that it is not just about what we buy and how we decorate or how many cookies we bake.

In my house, growing up, Christmas was a marathon of cooking, decorating, baking, cleaning, shopping and wrapping. My mother loved to entertain on the holidays. She set a high bar and I have always tried to live up to her ideals.

But, over the past few years, I have come to realize that maybe she over did it just a smidge.

I have tried to pare it down to less cookies and less shopping and being more present than actually giving presents.

No easy task. I have become a holiday perfectionist. If I can't get it all in; from writing out cards to finding the perfect gift you didn't know you wanted; I feel like a failure.

But if the past year has taught me anything, it is how to put things in perspective. I have learned that being perfect and getting it all done isn't as important as being present in my life and spending time with the people I love doing things that make me and others happy.

So I will shop, bake, decorate, wrap, watch Christmas movies, bask in the glow of my family and friends, and I will try to remember what the whole point of the season is: LOVE.

"It's Been a Long Lonely, Lonely, Lonely Time"

It would seem that loss has created a loss for words.

It's not that I haven't mulled things over in my mind or even that I haven't felt compelled to write. It's just that I absolutely couldn't bring my butt to the chair and open the computer and put it all down.

I didn't want to end up laying myself bare like that. I didn't want to bring anyone down. All two of you.

I didn't want to admit it.

I lost my best friend.

She is gone. She had been disappearing for a long time and I thought I couldn't miss her any more than I already had since this wretched illness took away her essence.

But then she was ripped out of my life. Suddenly. Tragically.Completely.

Ours was a rare and true friendship. I won't degrade it by trying to describe it here. Suffice to say, we were soul mates. We went through everything together.

When a tragedy occurs, people want to comfort you. They say things like "If there is anything I can do..." or "She's in a better place..." And it does seem to help, for an instant, take away some of the sting.

But time passes. Life goes on. The leaves change. Super storms come and go. Nor'easters hit. People get busy.

Then all the "Firsts" follow. First her birthday. More losses. Then Thanksgiving. Now the holidays. And it all goes sailing by while you still mourn.

While I still mourn. While I try to wrap my head around why it had to be her. Why not me? Why not some terrible person who did terrible things?

It only takes a few weeks to realize that this way of thinking is futile. It wasn't me. It wasn't some terrible person. It was her. And she was extraordinary. She was beyond description. She was definitely at the top of the "Nice" list.

Right before Thanksgiving, I was struck by a thought. I began to think about all of the amazing times we had. The funny moments that no one would think were funny. Our life together, and her life in general, went floating through my mind like a movie montage. A really great movie montage with the perfect music edited in.

I found myself smiling and dumbstruck. I never really thought of myself as a lucky person. It hit my like ton of bricks. Maybe I wouldn't be a millionaire lottery winner. Maybe I don't do too well at the slots. I think I've won two raffles in my life.

But in the lottery of friendship...man, was I blessed! How can it be that a plain, old, ordinary person like me got to be the person she picked to be her best friend? It's mind boggling.

The world will forever seem a little dimmer now that she is gone. But all I have to do is close my eyes and I see her radiant smile and her sparkly blue eyes and I remember to be grateful that God put her in my life at all.