"It's Been a Long Lonely, Lonely, Lonely Time"

It would seem that loss has created a loss for words.

It's not that I haven't mulled things over in my mind or even that I haven't felt compelled to write. It's just that I absolutely couldn't bring my butt to the chair and open the computer and put it all down.

I didn't want to end up laying myself bare like that. I didn't want to bring anyone down. All two of you.

I didn't want to admit it.

I lost my best friend.

She is gone. She had been disappearing for a long time and I thought I couldn't miss her any more than I already had since this wretched illness took away her essence.

But then she was ripped out of my life. Suddenly. Tragically.Completely.

Ours was a rare and true friendship. I won't degrade it by trying to describe it here. Suffice to say, we were soul mates. We went through everything together.

When a tragedy occurs, people want to comfort you. They say things like "If there is anything I can do..." or "She's in a better place..." And it does seem to help, for an instant, take away some of the sting.

But time passes. Life goes on. The leaves change. Super storms come and go. Nor'easters hit. People get busy.

Then all the "Firsts" follow. First her birthday. More losses. Then Thanksgiving. Now the holidays. And it all goes sailing by while you still mourn.

While I still mourn. While I try to wrap my head around why it had to be her. Why not me? Why not some terrible person who did terrible things?

It only takes a few weeks to realize that this way of thinking is futile. It wasn't me. It wasn't some terrible person. It was her. And she was extraordinary. She was beyond description. She was definitely at the top of the "Nice" list.

Right before Thanksgiving, I was struck by a thought. I began to think about all of the amazing times we had. The funny moments that no one would think were funny. Our life together, and her life in general, went floating through my mind like a movie montage. A really great movie montage with the perfect music edited in.

I found myself smiling and dumbstruck. I never really thought of myself as a lucky person. It hit my like ton of bricks. Maybe I wouldn't be a millionaire lottery winner. Maybe I don't do too well at the slots. I think I've won two raffles in my life.

But in the lottery of friendship...man, was I blessed! How can it be that a plain, old, ordinary person like me got to be the person she picked to be her best friend? It's mind boggling.

The world will forever seem a little dimmer now that she is gone. But all I have to do is close my eyes and I see her radiant smile and her sparkly blue eyes and I remember to be grateful that God put her in my life at all.