Another post about loss. Sort of.
It's been marinating for a couple of weeks now but I wasn't, and still am not, sure if I could do it justice.
First of all, and perhaps I should have led with this, I would like to apologize to those of you who have been googling or searching and have found a blog about a middle-aged, over-weight, whiny chick instead of a hot porn site! I got so excited about how many hits my blog got last week that I clicked on the site that was sending people here and I was taken aback when topless women popped up! Let's just say that some things are better left a mystery!
Speaking of mysteries, I have been getting asked a lot about how much weight I have lost and I am sorry to say that I still have no earthly idea. That, like who my readers are, shall remain a mystery.
When I began this whole journey, I knew that it was a complete lifestyle change and not a diet or a weight loss program. It may be difficult for many to grasp the concept. The weight loss is a happy by-product of some life-altering changes I have made.
So what has been turning over around in my head these past few weeks is not about size or weight or ups and downs on the scale. It's about how I feel about me.
I feel smaller.
Strange thing to say when my foot print is most likely still the same as it ever was. I am a large person and I need more space than the average gal. However, in my mind, I feel completely transformed.
I am transformed, if not completely.
Let's start with the losses. What have I lost since this journey began?
I have lost half my wardrobe because it is too big. I have lost (according to most of the tags in my clothes) two, three, or four sizes depending on what type of clothing you are talking about. I just donated two more bags of clothing this past week.
I needed to buy different bras and underwear because those things need to fit.
I have lost my craving for processed foods, for fatty, non-nutritive food, for decadent cakes and cookies and pies and well you get the idea. I am not saying that I wouldn't enjoy a chocolate chip cookie or some ice cream once in awhile but I would prefer to know that they were made with non-gmo, organic, whole ingredients when possible. I now crave fruits and vegetables and water and whole, raw nuts and grains.
It doesn't bother me so much when someone is having lasagna or fried chicken or take-out from a burger joint. I
I have also lost my obsession with food. I no longer spend my days off devising my menus and grocery lists and trying to figure out what I am going to eat each day so I don't slip up. There is no slipping up any more. I just shop and cook and eat and clean up. If I choose to dine out, I try to make the right kind of choices and ask for sauces or butter or the like to be on the side or left out completely. I even order take out from my local pizza joint and once in a blue I'll have sushi. Last night, we had sushi delivered and they sent me the wrong thing. I do not eat eel. So I ate an egg roll. I made the decision but even as I was eating it I decided that I would just eat the inside and then I panicked because I could taste all that oil and I didn't know what kind of oil it was so I ate the inside of half an egg roll. And then I made a salad.
Not too long ago, I would have eaten two egg rolls and an entree and some steamed dumplings and God knows what else and been totally sick after I ate but still had dessert. Today, something reflexively stops me from doing that.
So this must be what it feels like to not have a compulsion to eat, well, everything.
What have I gained?
I have gained confidence, faith in myself to make the right choices (fro yo for dinner is OK once in a blue). I have gained a cheering section from my co-workers to my readers (all seven of you, porn searchers notwithstanding), new wardrobe choices that have been hanging in my closet for years. I have gained the ability to breathe. That was a biggie. One day I realized that I was breathing like a normal person. I have gained the option to shop in regular stores (still in plus sizes but I don't have to go to specific plus size specialty stores, most of which charge an flabby arm and a dimpled thigh!) I have gained income by not spending all my money on someone else's cooking (Gino, The King, The Colonel, Ronald, Papa John, Chung Wah) and eating out.
It's strange how straightening out one, huge area in my life has brought order to so much of the rest of my life.
I have been walking and am up to four miles now without really trying too hard. I will start adding in short sprints of "jogging" this week.
I am not scale obsessed like I used to be when trying to lose weight. That trying thing really struck me. I no longer try to lose weight. I eat healthy and I exercise. The weight is coming off all on it's own and it seems to be at a good pace. Some weeks I feel my clothes are looser and looser and some weeks I feel the same. But I never feel bigger. And I always feel better. Each week I notice another little ache or pain has gone away. Or I am sleeping better. Or I don't get headaches any more. Or I had a sore throat and very red tonsils but it went away and I didn't lose any time from work because it turned in to a nasty cold then bronchitis etc.
On those long walks, I am really taking stock and facing some demons that I thought I buried long ago. They are still there and I am trying to deal with them one at a time. I am trying to be brave and open up each door very slowly.
I'm a fixer and a doer and I want to make it all great without waiting to see if it all supposed to actually be great.
Control.
I could spend my days trying to control the outcome of every aspect of my life and that would most likely leave me sitting on the sofa binge-eating my way through every take-out menu ever published! Gaining control of your life, to me, means realizing that you are not actually in control of it. All you can control is how you react to what life throws at you. If the pitch is in the dirt, don't swing.
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